How come some days I can't write a word and others I can string a sentance together without too much processing. I'm the same with people, it doesn't really make much difference if i like someone or not, somedays i can have a conversationand other days i struggle to say anything at all. WORDS. what do they really mean and how am i meant to know what they mean if i don't have a dictionary, a useful tool for the meaning of words but then the meaning of a word is written in words, see how confusing it is even if i have the useful tool and especially if i don't have the tool in the first place. The good thing is that there are lots of places to get the 'tool' now, there's always a tool that will do the job you want, it might take some looking and i might have to wait, i might even have to use the second best option for a while or i might just put that word away for a while until i find the right meaning but when i get the right tool i'll know exactly what that word means. Ofcourse the tone of a word matters to, it conveys the feeling behind the word, maybe hear the feeling and not the word, maybe the word emphasises the feeling it carries. The saying of sticks and stones will break my bones but words wil never hurt me is so not true for me, i don't remember the pain of falling off a swing a fracturing my skull but i remember how i felt when my best friend at the age of 9 said she had other friends too that she wanted to play with, i'd been so excited about being in the same class as her. I felt I wasn't nice or good. I had other friends but i strived for more, i wanted to be popular and pretty and nice and good, i wanted to be admired and i wanted to be special, i wanted someone to talk with and play with and have fun with, i wanted to dress up, swop clothes, put on makeup and nail varnish, i wanted friends to grow up with instead i foudn myself not keeping the friends that would have provided all that for me and kept the ones that made me feel i wasn't as nice or good as they were. My dad liked my friends, he approved of them, they were intelligent, educated, polite so i kept them for many years until i left school and they didn't. Pleasing my dad wasn't pleasing me and pleasing me wasn't and doesn't please my dad. One day i hope that he'll value me for being me as i hope that mia will value me for being me, i hope i'm giving her the balance that will allow her to see value in everyone regardless of the boxes that we're put into. I hope i'm giving myself the balance to allow me to value me and others not the box that we're in.