[sschofi404]

Well, I'm in tears again. I can't stand feeling this way. I feel like my own father has rejected me. I've been trying to get in touch with them to tell them about my new job and all. This morning I got this email back:

""Hi Jennifer,
Sorry we haven't gotten very excited about your latest job. I can promise to get very excited when you hold one long enough to pay for a car, house, or to raise a family.
It takes a great deal of commitment to do "what ever it takes" to hold a job long term and to get long term results. I would wish for you to find that commitment some where in all those talents that you have.""

I am so utterly disgusted right now. It is the most heartbreaking, empty feeling. And I thought we had come a long way in our relationship. But evidently it was just a facade. I just don't know what to do.

Jennifer

[Shelbi]

Wow.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know how important it is for all of us to feel loved by our families and get some sort of validation.
But sometimes that doesn't happen. So you need to accept that and surround yourself with other people who care and love you and can feel happy for you.
I know it sounds hard.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Michelle

[sschofi404]

That's exactly why I came here. Because I know people care about me.

Jennifer

[sschofi404]

What's sad is he cut his father out of his life for over 10 years. And he's basically doing the same thing to me. I'm just going to have to not let him get to me, because it's not worth it really. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Jennifer

[KBT]

Oh Jennifer... it is amazing how what our parents and loved ones say can cut to the heart so easily. Have you actually talked to him on the phone? Sometimes emails can be more cutting than an actual conversation. I hope that you can work this out since it really sounds like you want it to... you are in my prayers.

[mjaguiar]

Jennifer,
I am truly sorry that your father said those words to you. Please do not listen to him. Remember they lived during different times than you. You are a bright, intelligent, smart, beautiful lady and you do not NEED anyone's validations other than yourself. If you are truly doing what you can, then take heart in your own beliefs - NOT HIS!

I will pray for you my friend to get through this. I pray that you have one of those A HAAAA Moments! And come to realize that you do not need that type of toxic realtionship in your life becaue it will just eat up your self-esteem and you do not need that.

By the way, I say congratulations to you for your new job! I hope the best for you sweetie!

[sschofi404]

KBT, on Mar 3 2008, 09:55 AM, said:

Oh Jennifer... it is amazing how what our parents and loved ones say can cut to the heart so easily. Have you actually talked to him on the phone? Sometimes emails can be more cutting than an actual conversation. I hope that you can work this out since it really sounds like you want it to... you are in my prayers.

He refused to even answer his phone. I left him a voicemail about it last Thursday, but he didn't even care enough to call me back. They've been that way for a while about answering their phones. And you're right, who needs that kind of toxicity in their life, I sure as heck don't.

Jennifer

[amieS2]

Hi Jennifer, I'm new around here but one of the reasons I join this site was because of this thread. My God, "My Heavenly Father" is very important to me and guess what? ....You are very important to Him too!!! Our families sometimes are the very one's who can hurt us the most, but just remember you have a Father who loves and excepts you for who you are. I am so sorry who are going through such a hard time right now...that stinks. I will keep you and you father in my prayers.

Congrats on the new job ...go get'em girl!

[gritstoner]

If the job market in the US is anything like it is over here in the UK you should be proud that you've managed to get another position. The days of people staying in a job for 10 years or more were over probably before you even had your first job. My longest job to date was 6 years and that is much, much longer than many of my friends in similar positions.

Where I work now people come and go every few months. I'm one of the long serving ones and I've only been there 18 months!

Treat each new job as an opportunity to learn something new. Life's far too short to be stuck in a job you don't like.

As for your Dad, ignore him, don't let him get to you, and remember life was much different when he was your age.

[siskitkat]

Jennifer, I agree with you. You don't need this kind of toxicity in your life. My father was a lot like that. I finally walked away after years of trying to have a relationship with him. It was one of hardest and easiest things that I have done. It was hard, because I knew that once I stopped chasing him, and putting in all of the effort, that we would most likely not have contact again. It was easier, because I became a much better person without that toxic waste in my life.

[catinkeri]

Jennifer - not a lot more to add what everyone else has said. I had the same kind of 'toxicity' from my so-called family (won't go into details) and ended up cutting them out of my life entirely and (for me) it was an absolute relief!! I'm not saying that would be best for you - and it definitely wasn't an easy thing to do, but for me it was the best route to go down.
One thing I will say about that email from your dad is that he pointed out that he realises you have many talents (his last sentence) and that's a step in the right direction. If you're ever looking to see something positive in the email, he is pointing out that you have many talents.
Another thing - I have had over 50 jobs in my lifetime, and I never regret any of them. I am now Jack(ette) of all trades, master of none, but boy, if anything needs to be done in the house or in an office, generally I'll have an idea of how to get it done - or know how to get in touch with the people that need to do it. Don't knock yourself over the head, this is a problem that your father has to deal with - not you. Obviously you have many talents, you're vastly employable and you have a great future because of this!
I do hope that you can keep smiling and take something positive out of this entire experience, life is tough, but in the end your one tough cookie with a heart of gold!!

[sschofi404]

He thinks that since I don't have a job I'm not doing anything. All my brother does is put me down about the same thing. I guess he thinks he's a saint since he has one. The only reason dad put that last sentence in there was to try to get to me. He's ruthless sometimes. He runs this plant that makes fire hydrants and treats us like his "employees" If we do something he doesn't like, too bad, you're outta here. Well, I beat him to it this time. I sent him an email saying I'm changing my emails and won't answer the phone if they try to call me, I'm not even going to let voicemail pick it up. I also told him to forget he even has a daughter. It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a couple months, but I do feel better. I'm tired of pretending to have a relationship with him anyway. It's his loss after all. Of course, I'll probably be crying again in a little bit. This actually makes my heart ache. I guess that's why they call it heartbreaking.

Jennifer

[Burnsie]

Jennifer,

I'm sorry about your falling out with your father. It seems that he really doesn't know how to connect with you. It can be very difficult for some people to show happiness or praise for others, especially in their family. But just because he has a problem doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. I know it's hard, but don't let his negativity make you feel bad about yourself. It seems to me that he can't accept that you are different than him, and he wants to label you and put you in a box and then act like a jerk because you refuse to live in the box.

Just be you! Let him live in the box if he likes it so much.

[sschofi404]

Burnsie, on Mar 3 2008, 02:07 PM, said:

Jennifer,

I'm sorry about your falling out with your father. It seems that he really doesn't know how to connect with you. It can be very difficult for some people to show happiness or praise for others, especially in their family. But just because he has a problem doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. I know it's hard, but don't let his negativity make you feel bad about yourself. It seems to me that he can't accept that you are different than him, and he wants to label you and put you in a box and then act like a jerk because you refuse to live in the box.

Just be you! Let him live in the box if he likes it so much.

Heh, I can do that. Let him live in the box, that cracked me up. That's something I would think of.

Jennifer

[sschofi404]

I'm still laughing about the letting him live in the box. lol

Jennifer

[angdrumm]

I am really sorry to hear this has upset you Jennifer, however I can understand why it has if you see what I mean.

You go and live your own life and let your dad live in that box! You are You and only get one chance at life, so do what you want to do.

[Burnsie]

Well, I'm glad I got a laugh out of you! Enjoy your life! Boxes are a bore!

[sschofi404]

Burnsie, on Mar 3 2008, 02:19 PM, said:

Well, I'm glad I got a laugh out of you! Enjoy your life! Boxes are a bore!

Unless you can put someone in one that upset you. lol then it's amusing.

Jennifer

[sschofi404]

And I haven't gotten my virtual chocolate from Zaz yet! lol

Jennifer

[Burnsie]

Well, being in a box of chocolate might not be such a bore!

[lorac]

Hello Jennifer,
Try not to let it get the best of you. I had a similar problem with my Mom before she passed away. Nothing I did was ever good enough, according to her standards. I finally stopped calling. She lived in New York and I live in California. My sister was just as bad. Always telling me how I did everything wrong.

It's hard, but you have to stand up for yourself and don't allow them to make you crazy. They are our family for a reason, as we probably would not pick them for friends.

Congrats on the new job. They are not easy to come by and that just proves that you are capable, very capable. I am out of work, again, and over 60 and it is very hard to find work, even temp work. But I know that there is something out there for me.

I agree with sschofi404 that your father can't accept that you are different than him, but that is a positive thing, not a negative. Just remember that we are all here for you. Love and prayers going your way and to your father also, hoping that his attitude will change.

[Kricket]

Hi Jennifer;

It is a shame that we have to live with such negativity.
I have a poem that I keep close by to remind myself that I don't have to take to heart everything everyone says. It is by Frederick Pearle:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expecations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other - it's beautiful.

I'm glad to have found scrapGirls and you. Keep your chin up!

[sschofi404]

I made a layout I like to call "The Box". It is relevant to the earlier posts in this thread. I had to have some sort of fun with this to make myself feel better.

The Box

Jennifer

[scraphctib]

Kricket, on Mar 3 2008, 02:30 PM, said:

Hi Jennifer;

It is a shame that we have to live with such negativity.
I have a poem that I keep close by to remind myself that I don't have to take to heart everything everyone says. It is by Frederick Pearle:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expecations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other - it's beautiful.

I'm glad to have found scrapGirls and you. Keep your chin up!

OMG!!!! I know that poem.....I remember it from my angst late teen years.......what a small world!!!!!

[scraphctib]

Jennifer, I don't know enough about your background to give you advice but I will say that you have to stay true to yourself. Be comfortable with yourself. Know that you are the bests person that you can be. Family can be a very frustrating and wonderful thing. When it's bad......it's bad. When it's good...it's good. I am a believer that we all have some dysfunction in our lives.....it all comes down to how we handle it....what we do with it. Don't write your father off. I don't know your age but I know that when I grew up (I am 56) my father was not one to show emotion....I thought he was angry with me all the time...I thought he didn't like me much. Boy! I was wrong. The man loved me so deeply....but he was just behaving as a product of his own upbringing....I'm not saying he wasn't loved....but do you understand? Maybe it's his strange way of loving you......he did acknowledge your talents. I know...I said I wouldn't give advice....I guess what I want to say is that neither one of your is wrong or right.....just be true to yourself and don't close the door on your father.

[goodqueenbee]

You know, only those who LOVE you can hurt you that badly with mere words...

This too shall pass... Move along, now! Find a person you can spend time with that
will nurture your efforts, and try to love him without needing his company and praise.

Jesus loves us... just like we are, and he is an example (one your dad is NOT following,
apprarently.) Sometimes if we will do good to others in spite of their evil, it can salve
our hearts just as well as isolating ourselves from the temporary hurts. Praying for you!

[catinkeri]

Jennifer - I LOVED your box LO! Hey any step on the way to healing is a good one ... and it was a great looking box too! Maybe in time you can put photos and memorabilia in it that only causes you pain and heartache. But remember, the box has a lid that means you can put things in - and you can take things out - it's up to you.
I did a LO a little while ago that has a wonderful poem on it Your Children Poem... if you're even slightly interested, take a look as I think it's rather relevant to you. It's a favourite of mine and one I try and live by.
It took courage for what you've done today ... keep your chin up and remember, you are always loved by someone in this world.

[sschofi404]

scraphctib, on Mar 3 2008, 05:51 PM, said:

Jennifer, I don't know enough about your background to give you advice but I will say that you have to stay true to yourself. Be comfortable with yourself. Know that you are the bests person that you can be. Family can be a very frustrating and wonderful thing. When it's bad......it's bad. When it's good...it's good. I am a believer that we all have some dysfunction in our lives.....it all comes down to how we handle it....what we do with it. Don't write your father off. I don't know your age but I know that when I grew up (I am 56) my father was not one to show emotion....I thought he was angry with me all the time...I thought he didn't like me much. Boy! I was wrong. The man loved me so deeply....but he was just behaving as a product of his own upbringing....I'm not saying he wasn't loved....but do you understand? Maybe it's his strange way of loving you......he did acknowledge your talents. I know...I said I wouldn't give advice....I guess what I want to say is that neither one of your is wrong or right.....just be true to yourself and don't close the door on your father.

It won't be forever. I'm 34. I'm just come to the realization that I am stressing myself out too much to try to have a good relationship with him. I just can't deal with him at this point in my life. It's causing me too much stress. They never answer their phone, even if they're right by it. He never calls me to find out how I am. I'm always having to call him. I'm just tired of the only one putting forth any effort. They didn't get excited at all about this job, they didn't even respond to my voicemail last week or my phone calls or email over the weekend. All I got was this email this morning. I just can't do it anymore.

Jennifer

[scraphctib]

sschofi404, on Mar 3 2008, 06:02 PM, said:

scraphctib, on Mar 3 2008, 05:51 PM, said:

Jennifer, I don't know enough about your background to give you advice but I will say that you have to stay true to yourself. Be comfortable with yourself. Know that you are the bests person that you can be. Family can be a very frustrating and wonderful thing. When it's bad......it's bad. When it's good...it's good. I am a believer that we all have some dysfunction in our lives.....it all comes down to how we handle it....what we do with it. Don't write your father off. I don't know your age but I know that when I grew up (I am 56) my father was not one to show emotion....I thought he was angry with me all the time...I thought he didn't like me much. Boy! I was wrong. The man loved me so deeply....but he was just behaving as a product of his own upbringing....I'm not saying he wasn't loved....but do you understand? Maybe it's his strange way of loving you......he did acknowledge your talents. I know...I said I wouldn't give advice....I guess what I want to say is that neither one of your is wrong or right.....just be true to yourself and don't close the door on your father.

It won't be forever. I'm 34. I'm just come to the realization that I am stressing myself out too much to try to have a good relationship with him. I just can't deal with him at this point in my life. It's causing me too much stress. They never answer their phone, even if they're right by it. He never calls me to find out how I am. I'm always having to call him. I'm just tired of the only one putting forth any effort. They didn't get excited at all about this job, they didn't even respond to my voicemail last week or my phone calls or email over the weekend. All I got was this email this morning. I just can't do it anymore.

Jennifer

Jennifer, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I can feel the hurt through your e-mail. You have to do what is right for you....if letting go is right for you then that is exactly what you need to do. It's easy to give advice sometimes.....especially when we aren't living what you are living right now. You can't spend your days stressing over this. It's not good for your wellbeing. Be excited for yourself....indulge....shout out how excited you are for yourself. Heck! I'm excited for you. You've done well. Nobody else can be responsible for your happiness.....it IS all about you!!!! You grab that job by the horns and you do the best that you can and be proud of yourself and what you've accomplished and where you are today. Eventually, so will your father.............remember that scene from Field of Dreams? "If you build it.....he will come". So, live your life....be happy......don't stress over your relationship with him......and he may come around.

[siskitkat]

I like your box layout. You could also think of that box, as the box that you put all of those negative emotions in. That way, you are not carrying them around anymore.