[scrappurple]

O.k., I have a 13 year old girl and a 7 year old girl. I know it is normal for teenagers to push the boundries and want their independence ... but we are having issues with being respectful and remembering to do what she is told. If anything doesn't go her way, it is someones else's (usually me) fault. Like I said, I know this is all normal for her to "rebel", but how do you get through it without wanting to keep them in their rooms until they turn 18! Just kidding ... but those of you who have "been there, done that", what advice do you have?

Thanks!

[Orrinda]

I was never really any good at this. My daughter, wonderful child/adult that she is now, had me totally demoralized by the time she was two. One of the techniques that I have heard others use (I was no good at follow-through) is natural consequences. If it is your turn to do the dishes and you do not do them, then there are no dishes for you at the next meal. It's an idea and with a little creative thought can be applied to a lot of different situations. But, you know your child best and what works for one may be a disaster with another. I wish you luck--13 is tough.

[PBarnes]

I'm afraid I was pretty much a failure at being a good mom to my teenage daughter. She has turned out to be a decent, productive adult, but I'm not sure how much my influence had to do with that. Sorry I don't have anything constructive to add.

[AngRoCamp]

I so have no advice, but the whole idea of teenagers terrifies me Good luck!

[Launa]

I'm in the same boat! mine are 14, 9, and 4. And I think you have just described my daughter! So it's not just you! I just find that they are testing boundries, so you have to make sure that there are some. And I also find that it is so IMPORTANT for me to be consistant. Things tend to go alot smoother if I am consistant about what I say is going to happen if she does such and such. Also I think alot of the time she just needs a little personal one on one attention. But I'm just figuring out this stuff myself! Good luck!

[scrappurple]

AngRoCamp, on Mar 22 2008, 06:58 PM, said:

I so have no advice, but the whole idea of teenagers terrifies me Good luck!

Gee, thanks Ang!! Just you wait until your boys reach the teenage years .... bwahhhhahahaha!!

[scrappurple]

Launa, on Mar 22 2008, 06:59 PM, said:

I'm in the same boat! mine are 14, 9, and 4. And I think you have just described my daughter! So it's not just you! I just find that they are testing boundries, so you have to make sure that there are some. And I also find that it is so IMPORTANT for me to be consistant. Things tend to go alot smoother if I am consistant about what I say is going to happen if she does such and such. Also I think alot of the time she just needs a little personal one on one attention. But I'm just figuring out this stuff myself! Good luck!

Maybe we should start a "club" on we are normal moms, our kids are not!! He, he!!! She learned a hard lesson today about not listening to do chores ... she was grounded from her friends bday party. Oh the drama. It is just nice to hear other moms struggling with the exact same thing, ya know? But the idea of one on one time might be a good idea. Sigh ... it is just trying to find the time.

[jeschaff]

Hello Heidi, welcome to this club! When my girls were going through this, the best way I found to deal with it was to stay perfectly calm and say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. But it's my job as your mom to teach you responsibility, and we can learn it the hard way (like grounding or denying them something they want), or we can learn it the easy way by doing what I ask".

I don't know your daughter or her personality, and I don't know what all you expect from her, but keeping your cool is all-important. We only went through this stage for a short while, but I know not everyone is as lucky as I was. Best of luck to you on this.

[trishy]

Heidi I so don't envy your situation at the moment. I have boys and they are younger now, but I am already dreading the thought of having teenagers.

My oldest son is a bit of a drama child and he has had attitude since before age 3. My DH used to say "Wow, I didn't realize that we actually have a 13 year old girl!". He would only say it to me, but it is so true and we would laugh hoping that he will mellow out as he gets older. He will be 6 next weekend and at this point I tell him that he better make great money when he grows up with those acting skills!

Hugs to you, I hope this rebellious phase passes quickly.

[scrappurple]

jeschaff, on Mar 22 2008, 07:16 PM, said:

Hello Heidi, welcome to this club! When my girls were going through this, the best way I found to deal with it was to stay perfectly calm and say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. But it's my job as your mom to teach you responsibility, and we can learn it the hard way (like grounding or denying them something they want), or we can learn it the easy way by doing what I ask".

I don't know your daughter or her personality, and I don't know what all you expect from her, but keeping your cool is all-important. We only went through this stage for a short while, but I know not everyone is as lucky as I was. Best of luck to you on this.

It is nice to know there is a "club" ... sigh... I might have to reword what I say to what you say. I tell her over and over. Someone told me to use the word "nevertheless ... ". I guess I just feel like I am butting my head up against a wall. I know there will be an end, but in the mean time this pounding is gettin old. but I like the idea of "hard way, or easy way". Her choice ...

[kerryveale]

I'm going through this right now. DD is 14; it started the spring of her 8th grade year, shortly after her 13th birthday! I guess some degree of meanness is required to start/continue the natural separation that has to happen between mother and daughter. Some days are definitely worse than others! I have been trying to do some "fun" activities with just her where we can have pleasantness for at least several hours and chat about what's going on in her life (shopping seems to work pretty well ).

[Launa]

Well this is cool, I guess I'm glad I'm not the only one!! LOL!

[SodScrap]

Ditto to everything! Our 13 year old will be 14 Tuesday and we have a 16 year old son.....I don't have the answers, but I know consistency is important. They also have to feel like they are "heard" but, "nevertheless" they still have to unload the dishwasher. (even though he is only feeing the animals...blah blah blah)

We will all live through it.

Won't we??

[scrappurple]

I don't know if I will live through it or not!!! He, he!! It is nice to hear other moms going through the same thing. Being consistant, spending time, knowing you are not alone ... All this over not dusting her intable and dresser, shesh!

I am loving all the feed back!! Thanks gals!!

[Prahe]

Hey Heidi
I have 2 teenagers in the house at the moment so know what you're going through. As the others suggest keeping your cool is key. As soon as you lose the plot they have scored a point over you. I am convinced they don't really mean to be horrid they just lack the skills to express their desire for independence so it comes out bad. The strategy I have used and with some success is as follows:
I acknowledge (to them) their desire for independence/freedom whatever...
I explain that these things come with responsibility and that that kind of trust/respect must be earned...actions have consequences!!!
Good behaviour, being respectful, doing chores, keeping curfew etc prove that they are capable of starting on their journey as an adult..this is rewarded by outings, computer/tv/phone access etc.
Bad behaviour results in no outings, computer, tv etc...

Consistency is key....don't give in when they are rotten no matter how much they winge. tell them you love them and remind them that actions have consequences!

Have open family discussions...this is how they learn how to be an adult....(if an arguement starts, stop the conversation...resume if they are prepared to talk calmly)

Probably the biggest thing is to teach them by example, spend one on one time and remember that you are the parent..not the best friend, so you will be the worst enemy somedays. but if it is done with love you will not only build a good relationship but teach your daughter how to live a responsible life.

Best wishes

[April Showers]

I currently have 3 teenage girls! I read Mrs. PiggleWiggle as a child and I'm sure I adapted some of her theories in my parenting. Kids wouldn't pick up their towels in the bathroom- ever- so I made them dry off with wash cloths for a week. Didn't help for long, but they can't say I didn't try. Probably would have worked if I'd kept at that one. Really cut down on the laundry too.
I don't make big issues over their rooms, I just close the door stay out so it won't drive me crazy. I do make them get it presentable before they can do fun stuff. Thought my oldest would live in a pig-sty when she went away to college, but her dorm room is really clean. The best part is she cooks and cleans when she comes home. I do choose my "battles" carefully- over things like safety and morality. I don't want every word they hear from me to be negative. And that can be easy when they're trying your patience.
Sounds like she's a good kid. Good luck!

[debilou]

Heidi, I don't envy you one little bit - Didn't have teenage girls - but having raised 2 teenage boys - that did LIVE to adulthood - and then had to raise our grandson for a while - I do know exactly what you are going through. So, first of all hugs.

I agree with many of the answers up above.
Don't lose your cool - I know it's so hard - but later you and DH and talk about it alone, but not in front on them.
Be consistent - if this is YOUR rule in your house and it is a reasonable one - and really ask yourself it is - and when we did a gut check we thought again (and talked between DH and me) and said you know we are doing this because this is what our parents made us do.
So, we did lighten up on some of the rules - and we also asked other parents what they did - like at Church youth groups.
I found the very BEST parenting advise written at the Christian book stores - you still have to be careful what you buy - not all are great - but go through some of those books on parenting styles - we found some really great tips.
And, we also used reward for good behavior and
And, bad behavior - well they knew the rules for that - like TV or computer access (except for homework) or something would be limited. And, the rules were posted on the fridge...

And, of course the rules changed as the kids aged. Lucky for us the 2 boys were only 2 years apart.

And, we were sooo fortunate. We really had good boys. No drugs or anything like that to deal with.

But, With one, he was so moody - but our rule was we had to eat dinner together as a family - no TV, music - we had to talk.
If Mark didn't want to talk, we just pretended like Mark talked - when Mark got tired of one of us talking like Mark - he got the message and finally started talking at the table - because we said goofy Mark answers which he didn't like (he used the word Dude a lot but we made it worse).. So, he snapped out of it pretty fast.

Good Luck, because we found they didn't really grow UP until they were 25 - and what made them GROW up was having kids of their own.- I thought it would be 21 - but wrong - both goof balls until magically wisdom hit them at 25.

But, the bad news is - they have kids - and one couldn't raise his properly and we ended up with his kid - So, those of you who think kids go away for ever at college - think again - you can get their kids back again... And, you have to when they aren't doing to the job. Now, because of our intervention, our grandson is doing so much better. But, we had to retrain him and his Father (our son - and his wife (Kyle - grandson's step mom).

[sunnie2004]

Stick to your guns no matter how hard & how rotten it is. they will grow out of it by the time the reach 20 lol.....the other thing is remeber IMO you are the parent not their best friend you set ground rules & stick to them. mean or nice.

Best of luck

I was the disiplarian in my house & what isaid went with the kids turning to teens I never back down & my daughter was tough really tough....she will tell you now mum was mean & strick & loving all in the same breath. I never cared if she like what i said or made her do (wich wasn't much) but i still meant it.

Caren

[ginaMO]

We have three teens at the moment and I can relate to everything in this thread. Here is one trick that helps a little. Let them have "some" control of the situation. Example: You need to do the dishes tonight. It is up to you when you do them, but they need to be done before bedtime." Now, I gave them a little control, and usually they will test it out a tiny bit, like, make a phone call and chat for 15 minutes, to see if I am going to remind them about the dishes. Once they see that I don't care if they are on the phone, they usually will just go ahead and get the chore done to have it out of the way. Since I have three, I sometimes will give options like, ok guys, we need to get the dishes done, vacuum the floor and take out the trash, I don't care who does what, as long as we get it finished. Mine will usually divide it up quick and be off to finish it, since they got to choose. It doesn't always go smooth, but mixing it up and letting them feel a little in control helps.

[Shelbi]

I don't have girls or teenagers yet. But I do have to agree with Gina about the control thing. Sometimes I think kids just need to have some. Their whole lives are controled by other people and as they get older they just want to feel like they have some say in their own life. It may sound silly but I agree that it works.
Michelle

[daisies803]

Our kids ages are 16, 14, 13, 12 and 10. The 14 year old is my oldest daughter and believe it or not, we really don't get much trouble out of her at all. Our biggest issues are with the 16 year old boy...he may not make it to 17. Oh my gosh..I just realized that in 3 years we'll have 5 teenagers! wow!

Hope you found some helpful advice in the thread. Best of luck!

[scrappurple]

Yeah, everyone is pretty much saying what I have been doing. I guess I am just tired of the fight and always being the bad guy. Yeserday was the final straw I guess you can say. It is good to know I am not the only one. I was like your daughter Teresa. I never got in trouble, so I am having a hard time understanding the blantent disrespect. I am more I mom than a friend, I am consistant, I give her time frames, I just get attitude galore when she doesn't do what she is supposed to and when it is suppose to be done. Especially if she has to do it again after she claims she just did it. Sigh ... I feel for you Teresa ... 5 teenagers at one time ... ouch! At least one will be an adult!

Thank you all! Keep the comments, suggestions coming. I am obviously not the only one! I do need to say that overall Bri is a wonderful girl. I can't complain ... like Debi said ... no drugs, boys, etc., just testing the boundries ... sigh ...

[needadietcoke]

Wow... There is some great advice here! My oldest DS is 14-almost 15 and we have not had any real issues with him. We went through a time where my DH couldn't say ANYTHING to him without getting his had bit off, but that has eased up a lot. Our tool of torture is taking away his cell phone. . . only had to do that once! I love April and Debi's comments. I'm pretty sure that daises803 isn't really old enough to have that many kids- never mind a 16-year-old!!!!!

My best advice is to hang in there and remember that we all have "phases". When they were two the phases might only last a couple of weeks but as we get older they tend to last longer. Remembering myself as a teenager. . . what a difficult few years. Trying to be cool, wanting to be grown-up, but still needing the support and love of my parents. I truly believe that they don't mean to be mean and nasty- they just don't know how to be all the things they think they should be.

[MaryJo]

I'm sorry I haven't responded before this, but here I am now. I have 3 teenage daughters ages, 19, 14, and 13. So, I have just about run the entire gammut of teen aged girls.
I really don't believe in "grounding". I have found that it compounds the problem and builds resentment. ( at least it does for me) that doesn't mean it doesn't work for others. (please don't be offended by that comment)
But, what I have found that works in my home, is to lose privileges. Now it does sound alot like being grounded, but it increases if the problem continues. Lets say the issue of the day is attitude my 13 yr old. runs around the house screaming at everyone if someone confronts her on something she's done or not done. So, if she is screaming and I hear it or am told of it and its verified by another member of the family, she loses the phone for the day. If, she isn't better then away goes the computer and if she is still hanging onto the attitude then there goes the TV. So, if she keeps it up , by day , she has lost all privileges. It gets pretty boring to be 13 and not to have any of today's mediums for communication.
Now, if my DH has to get involved, then it becomes a matter of not being able to leave the house or her room for a couple of days. I have only reached that level once with my girls. No one including me , wants to get DH involved.
Now, if they drive, like my 19 yr old. does, the first thing to go is the car. That usually works right away ! Now depending on the severity of the offense, that determines How long they lost the privilege for.
I look at all these material items that I provide them with as a privilege or a luxury and since I provide them with it, I now have the right to take them away. And if they live in my house and buy their own things, well if you live under my roof, you must abide by my rules or you lose items , even if you bought them !
Don't get me wrong I love my kids all 6 of them, but I firmly believe in discipline and correction. If I didn't , I'd have no authority at all over them. And I don't lord it over them and I have a great relationship with all my children.
I know discipline depends on what the husband and wife decide upon, and what works for one family may not work for another.
This is what works for my family. I don't do alot of screaming and yelling at my children and I don't spank them anymore, only because they are all bigger than me. But, if I had to , I would ! lol
Maybe you can take a bit of information from all of us and be able to work it into your own family. HTH

[lvscrapper]

Well, I've had two teenage girls in my home and I'm sad to say that neither situation is great. I haven't spoken to the older girl in almost six months. She has made some very poor choices with her life and I don't feel like I can involve myself with her drama at this point. The other one is 18 and still lives at home. With her 18th birthday, she took on a new life - one where our opinion didn't matter and she could do as she pleased. I like to remind her that she is unemployed and relies on us for her entire existence - that snaps her back to reality pretty fast. I think things get better as they get older. I remember giving my mom a run for her money and now we are very close - of course, I'm now 41, but our relationship has gotten better since I grew up and had kids of my own.

Hang in there.

Leisa

[kimmybutton]

My dh and I have lived through 4 teenage daughters ... they are now 29, 25, 22, and 19. They are definitely challenging.

Things to expect...there will always be drama--everyday!; they are never on time--never!; they change plans at the drop of a hat; their friends are the most important thing in their lives; they are very sensitive--especially about their appearance (don't say "you have a beautiful long neck" as that will cause angst for the next 6 months--believe me); they don't understand that you have a life (they think you are here on this earth solely to do things for them--and it often feels as if you are!); if you buy something low-fat or low-calorie, it will disappear before you have a chance to eat any; the sweet little girl you knew and loved will emerge when they want something (especially the car, $, or permission to do something); they won't have time for you (they are too busy exploring their exciting new teenage world); if you have more than one teenage girl, you can be sure that they will be totally different and what works for one will never work for the other.

Advice to consider...choose your battles carefully (whether their clothes are wrinkled or their room is messy are small things)--save up for the major concerns; use the word NO as little as possible (when they come up and ask permission to go somewhere you don't want them going, tell them to approach you again when all the details are worked out...9 out of 10 times their plans never work out and you never have to say no--this applies to many situations!; take them to the hairdresser to get their hair dyed blue--i did (and, i even dyed it bright purple for her softball playoffs!); always have food that teenagers love and welcome them in your home...make your home the one where they all hang out; never, and i mean never, criticize their friends; constantly praise them and tell them you are proud of them--some days you have to really be creative in finding a good quality; maintain a sense of humor--someday it will all end and you will miss all the drama, laughter, sleepovers, fashion nightmares, and boyfriends. One final word of caution--parents have to stick together--they will try to "divide and conquer." Lastly, when it all gets too much to handle, my dh and i would go up to our bedroom for a few days (equipped with a TV and small fridge), lock the door, and slide the MAC card out under the door so the kids would survive -- only kidding...but we did try to get away from them at times for our own sanity!

one last word of advice ... pray for them always and let them know that you are praying for them

[Burnsie]

I don't have teenage daughters, but I do remember being a teenage daughter. The idea of giving some control is good. I also think that involving yourself in some of the things that you want her to do will could help. For example, if you want her to do dishes, tell her that you'll be able to help her is she does them now. Or if she has dirty clothes all over her floor, tell her that you'll do the laundry together if she gets them picked up and sorted today. Doing some things together may give you some time to talk to each other. That doesn't mean that you be her friend more than her mom, but you decrease the "mom against daughter" attitude. Just an idea.

[ginaMO]

Fantastic idea, Burnsie. Just that little bit of time doing something else together instead of focusing on what isn't done can make a world of difference.

[SodScrap]

Did anyone mention drama?? I have THE drama queen! (I think there is a lo in there)

Yesterday was one of those days that I thought-"what were we thinking having children"? And wondering if she will live to adulthood and if I will live to see it! You know, I'm an awful mother because she HAD to wear a skirt to church on Easter Sunday. How dare I?? And she had to leave it on until the Easter pictures were taken with the cousins.....I cannot believe she lived through it. LOL!!

This morning she couldn't find one shoe (she is an unorganized mess and drives me crazy.....) and her hair wouldn't curl and...and...and...so she didn't have time to unload the dishwasher.

I am enjoying my peace and quiet while she and her brother are at school. Did I mention she has to ride with him to school? It's tragic because he is lame and his truck is lame and....

Anway, I know things will look better when she gets home! I do take privileges away, one by one. Cell phone, phone, computer, tv....that helps the attitude turn around pretty quickly!!

I do pray for her-maybe not as much as I should!! And I try to pray for me too!! (not putting the blame all on her...)

Thank you for the ideas and support! I hope I don't sound like a whiny baby today!! LOL!

I will remember you all in prayer!!

[scrappurple]

Wow Kimmy. You have definatly been there and done that! I really liked what you had to say. Especailly about "no". I have read it about 3 times now trying to get it all! LOL. I am so glad to hear everyone's take on this. Yesterday it was all about the looks she was giving me. Oh man, if looks could kill! The smallest thing is a HUGE ordeal! I do need to work on complimenting more and telling her I am praying for her. She know it, but I think saying it out loud will help too. Sigh ... so many things to try to get right!! He, he!! Good thing there is "One" who knows how to get it right! And on Him will I lean!

I'll keep praying for you all, if you all keep praying for me!!