[carych]

My daughter turned 13 last month and I relate to everything that has been said so far! Two things that (most of the time) work for us -

1. active listening. It's hard sometimes to mirror back what she's said "so, you're feeling frustrated because...." instead of putting in my own thoughts but it does work. I remember as a teen (and I was one of the "good" ones who never got in trouble so I am sometimes at a loss to understand this blatant attitude) that one of my major frustrations was feeling that no one was listening. And, in my case, no one was! My parents tended to trivialize whatever I was feeling. Now, as an adult, I can understand how hard it is to take the drama seriously when it seems so ridiculous. But, I try to remember that to Kiera, whatever is going on is her world. So, when she can tell I'm really listening, she tends to work it out herself and move on. Alternatively, if I respond with my own thoughts, then she seems to feel the need to rebel and gets even more entrenched in whatever it is she's feeling upset about.

2. Sometimes when Kiera is being particularly "ugly", I come right out and ask her "why are you treating me this way?". Most of the time, she'll actually say "I don't know"! She admits to just wanting to bug me but she doesn't know why. A lot of times that diffuses the situation. Other times I just tell her - "you're trying to get to me and you're not going to so go have attitude somewhere else!". Sometimes, then, she'll drop it and talk to me in a normal tone of voice - or she'll flounce off and get over and come back.

I don't always keep my cool but, when I do, it works out much better. The hard part is - sometimes I want to be the one who gets to have the tantrum!

[SodScrap]

carych, on Mar 24 2008, 11:59 AM, said:

I don't always keep my cool but, when I do, it works out much better. The hard part is - sometimes I want to be the one who gets to have the tantrum!

OOOOOh, me too!! I just want to say "why is it always all about you??" And you just want to point out how ridiculous they are being!!

I like the part about listening-sometimes I probably don't listen as well as I should thinking "why should I give this crazy selfish situation my time"-thinking it's just giving her the extra time for her stage and drama. I do praise her and point out the positive as often as possible. Sometimes that is easier said than done!

I just prayed for everyone in this link prior to posting this. I am thankful that it isn't "just us" and I am thankful you all are here to listen and advise!

We can do it!! Afterall-we all survived the teenage years. And, I'd like to see Emma survive too!!

Have an awesome day!

[PhotoshopScrapper]

Wow! This is an awesome thread! My oldest DD will be 13 in April. My youngest DD will be turning 9 and is going through puberty (which trust me is WORSE than going through it as a teen because she doesn't have the emotional maturity to recognize what's going on).

The older one sometimes reminds me of that Royal Caribbean commercial - you know the one -

'we've heard it still exists but it's been a long time since we've seen it...... oh look! There it is (peeking through the trees) and then, in a flash .. .It's GONE!' I laugh EVERY TIME I see that commercial. When DD is in a good mood we laugh about it together. When she's moody ... DH and I or GM and I laugh about that commercial.

She's actually my easier one. Saying no is still the end of the world but it needs to be said sometimes. For the most part she doesn't push the limits. She is a straight A student and has some mighty good goals about her future that she is striving to reach (wants to seriously be an author). The tude is tough at times though ... and so is the tone. Those two things get her in more trouble than anything.

The YOUNGER DD is the harder one in a lot of ways. Like I said, she doesn't know what to do with what's going on in her body. She's always been a quick temper tantrum child (complete with screaming, crying, destroying things she used to love cause she thinks it will hurt me) but puberty is making it worse for her. She understands what's going on with her body when she's calm but when she's been told NO ... watch out! What I have discovered recently, is that when she's in full melt down if I grab the camera and start taking pictures of her, everything changes. She HATES me taking pictures of her when she's out of control so she very quickly gets control of herself.....and I don't have to say a WORD!!! Thank GOD for digital cameras! ... all I have to do is delete those pictures (although a few may actually make it into layouts).

I need to tag this thread so I can find it as time marches on. No telling what either DD will do once they hit high school (a year away for the older one).

Thanks a bunch for asking the question! It is SOOO nice to know it's not just me feeling like a failure at times!

Denise

[Julie - scrapaholic]

Okay, mom to a 15 year old. All I can say is good luck!!! They leave you at 13, but they do start to come back around 15 - 16. I am seeing shades of my old sweet loving child now that she is almost 16. Don't know what advice I can give, except taking something away that REALLY hurts them, such as the computer for me. Sam spent many a nights in her room sulking, cause I took the computer away, and TV at one point. It really does get better over time, either that or I am so used to it.

[A-dab-adu]

carych, on Mar 24 2008, 12:59 PM, said:

I don't always keep my cool but, when I do, it works out much better. The hard part is - sometimes I want to be the one who gets to have the tantrum!

Cary, this just made me laugh My DS is 19 and he wasn't nearly as mouthy/snippy as my DD. I look at her and
just say "3 more years" cuz she's 15 and I figure at least with my son around 18 he started to come around out of
his moody years. All I can do is hope and pray it will just be 3 more years!

I love all this advice and insight everyone has given. I wonder if I just take my DD more personally

[carych]

A-dab-adu, on Mar 24 2008, 08:33 PM, said:

I love all this advice and insight everyone has given. I wonder if I just take my DD more personally

I struggle with that too - not all the time, but there are times Kiera will say something that really takes me back. Just this morning she made some remark in the car that hurt my feelings. I keep telling myself to remember that I am her mother, not her friend and getting her to like me is not my goal.

I know I must have had some negative thoughts about my mother as a teenager but I never, ever would have said them to her face!

[scrappurple]

Denise I like the picture idea ... I might have to try that. I will say that when my dd was going through puberty and was PMSing, I started catching on as to what was happening. There was one day when she was throwing a fit crying and it hit me as to what was happening. When I explained to her what her body was doing instantly she calmed down. Now, I can always tell when she is about to start because the morning starts out in tears and major mood swings. That is one thing that I can have compassion for. he, he!! I tell her it is o.k. to have a moment to cry her eyes out, but don't take it out on the family.

I am so glad I am not the only mom feeling like she has failed her dd! I love you gals!!!

[A-dab-adu]

scrappurple, on Mar 25 2008, 11:48 AM, said:

I am so glad I am not the only mom feeling like she has failed her dd! I love you gals!!!

Heidi, I said this very same thing to a friend last week! And then like 2 days later everything was ok!
I'm glad I'm not alone. Because there are times when everything I can think of to ease the tension just
isn't working and then I feel like a failure with her. But I guess it's not about me and what I do or don't do.
It's about her and her emotions and maturity.

I can so relate

[scrappurple]

My motto right now is "take responsiblity for your actions". If it isn't my fault don't blame me for your choice ... that always goes over well!

[momentousangel]

My dd just turned 13 in February, and believe me, she has definately made it known! What do you do when she wants to dress differently? Not so much as yucky so to speak, but more or less like I don't really know how to describe it. Granted we've always taught our children to be themselves and that they are allowed to have freedom in the styles they choose... but when do you really say enough is enough and no you are not going to wear this or that? Flip flops no matter how cold is outside for instance... um, no coat because she doesn't like it yet she picked them out? Things like that? What do I do? Am I wrong to want to go through everything in her closets, flip flops and all, and remove them? I think we created a monster! LOL!

[PhotoshopScrapper]

scrappurple, on Mar 27 2008, 02:30 PM, said:

My motto right now is "take responsiblity for your actions". If it isn't my fault don't blame me for your choice ... that always goes over well!

I like this one .... does it work? Doesn't seem to do much in my house! I just LOVE the idea though.

You gals are great!

[sunnie2004]

Valerie My daughter grew up wearing what ever bascically she wanted as long as her body as cover i really didnt care till a few times like...the day she wore 2 differnt converse tennis shoes 1 high top & 1 pink patent leather I flipped

then 1 day we were going to eat & halley came down in a pippy long stocking outfil blue evening dress (i kid you not) orange stockings (fish net) & combat boots...NO i didnt go for that either

but if she was by her self (say at school) i didnt care ...one day (truth here i swear) she wore a emerald green prom dress & combat boots & her purse was a 101 dalmation lunchbox.. needless to say I got a call from the principal saying i needed to bring clothes for halley.....I told him I really think if I am correct you should call the parents up whos child comes in with pants 3 sizes to small & tshirts that expose all them ...Halley is a 4.0 student & she is fulley cover head to toe & so what if it is differnt she don't mind & honestly I could care less... he never called me again LOL halley never wore that dress just a few others she got at salvation army & such.

let em dress if they arent getting hurt being exposed or anything let them go it's all ok

now halley still dresses queer but tame now LOL

Caren

Best of luck ladies

[scrappurple]

I hear you Valerie on the clothing issue. I told my dd that if it was 60 degrees or colder then she couldn't wear flip flops. As for the coat, hmmm, not sure. I will say that if my dd picked out a coat and then didn't wear it because she didn't like it, I WOULD NOT buy her a new one. Period! I won't buy her a new wardrobe becaue she doesn't like what she picked. I will take clothing away if it is not appropriate. If I can see her "crack", then she never wears those jeans again (I do her laundry, so I have the "power" to take clothing away). Make sense? But my dd is the same way. ONce she makes up her mind, it won't budge. I have let her walk out the door without a jacket when it is raining. IF she gets sick, bummer. No TV or games while she is home and not at school, etc.

Caren, I love that you told the principal about the "other" clothing issues! I support you 100%! Yes, you daughter probably looked very different, but at least she was clothed!!

So nice to know there are "others" like my wonderful dd!!

[sheriL]

I like the clothing comments. Somewhere I've heard (it might have been Barbara Colorosa, but don't quote me on that), if it's not illegal, immoral, or dangerous, let it go. My dds are 10 and 8, so I'm not quite to the teen years yet (although oldest dd looks like she may get there a little earlier than most), but I do find in some ways, that's easier as they get older. At least now, when they make unusual clothing choices, people know their mother didn't dress them. Sometimes it's harder to let them choose when they're little for that reason - they need little "I dressed myself" badges.
As for the summer clothes in winter, right now I let the kids make their own choice as long as they take .... (a jacket, socks, whatever fits the occasion) in case they get cold. I have a friend whose daughter got badly frostbitten walking to school as a teenager because she refused to wear a hat. They doctor was much more effective in convincing her to wear one next time.
I think if we can let them make their own decisions as much as possible, they'll figure it out. Besides, if mom's not complaining about your choices, they aren't nearly as much fun, right!

[kerryveale]

sunnie2004, on Apr 23 2008, 02:22 PM, said:

Valerie My daughter grew up wearing what ever bascically she wanted as long as her body as cover i really didnt care till a few times like...the day she wore 2 differnt converse tennis shoes 1 high top & 1 pink patent leather I flipped

then 1 day we were going to eat & halley came down in a pippy long stocking outfil blue evening dress (i kid you not) orange stockings (fish net) & combat boots...NO i didnt go for that either

but if she was by her self (say at school) i didnt care ...one day (truth here i swear) she wore a emerald green prom dress & combat boots & her purse was a 101 dalmation lunchbox.. needless to say I got a call from the principal saying i needed to bring clothes for halley.....I told him I really think if I am correct you should call the parents up whos child comes in with pants 3 sizes to small & tshirts that expose all them ...Halley is a 4.0 student & she is fulley cover head to toe & so what if it is differnt she don't mind & honestly I could care less... he never called me again LOL halley never wore that dress just a few others she got at salvation army & such.

let em dress if they arent getting hurt being exposed or anything let them go it's all ok

now halley still dresses queer but tame now LOL

Caren

Best of luck ladies

Caren,
if my daughter had a 4.0, I'd even let her wear mismatched shoes, and I would feel grateful!!! Yes, as long as the clothing is modest, it doesn't matter to me. I think your daughter sounds like a real individual--I think that's refreshing!

[sunnie2004]

LOL the shoes were pink & red might I add & I couldnt figure out why people were staring at us as we walked thu the stores when I seen that I flippled & made her get a pair of the old fashion girls tennis at wal mart for 5 bucks lol

she is a great kid & god bless her if she can stand the thought of looking at her self like this.....she does calm it down when she is with mum & dad now & at almost 22 she really han't grown out of it just matches more items LOL

Caren

[daisies803]

needadietcoke, on Mar 23 2008, 11:05 AM, said:

Wow... There is some great advice here! My oldest DS is 14-almost 15 and we have not had any real issues with him. We went through a time where my DH couldn't say ANYTHING to him without getting his had bit off, but that has eased up a lot. Our tool of torture is taking away his cell phone. . . only had to do that once! I love April and Debi's comments. I'm pretty sure that daises803 isn't really old enough to have that many kids- never mind a 16-year-old!!!!!

I hope that means I look young for my age. (*the 16 yr old is my stepson..but my daughter is right behind him)

I had to come back for some of ya'lls tips. I think I spoke to fast about my 14 year old not acting up. Seems to have hit in an instant. ugh!

[Monica D.]

As a 17 year old, I have a lot I could say about being 13, some of which may or may not be able to be attributed to my parents (although according to my therapist, some of it can be.), but I'd rather not share those stories in public. If you really want to know, PM me.

However, I do feel I have to say, being 13-14 is a really tough time for the kids as much as the parents. I think when one struggles, so does the other, kind of a chain reaction. If you're really having difficulties, you might want to see if there is something deeper, such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or even just being picked on at school. All of those can lead to behavioral differences and issues. I went through my 12-15 year old years with all of the above, and the last 2 with depression and anxiety. All I can say is that my therapist is the closest thing to God that there is on earth.

Monica

[scrappurple]

Wow Monica, thanks for sharing that. As moms it is easy to loose track of what it is to be 13 again. Hearing it from someone who has just "been there and done that" helps. I appreciate your honesty. Just one more thing to keep in mind raising these wonderful God given girls we have!!

[Monica D.]

I know my Mom was one of those Moms who thought "not my daughter" when it came to those issues, and I had to ask for therapy to really get it through and I've been to 2 different therapists since then (the first sucked, the second, the one I have now, is AWESOME! He came to watch me dance at the St. Patrick's Day parade). So I just wanted everyone to realize that the best thing you can do is pay attention and be aware that it can happen. It's not necessarily anything you've done- usually it's just a chemical imbalance, sometimes caused by growing and puberty that throws everything off and makes everything 12x worse.

Monica

[SodScrap]

My DD (14) can be quite challenging too. I had to laugh about the dress issue!! She quite often wears two different shoes. Typically, both DC same style, one is blue and brown and one is pink and black. Drives me crazy!! But, does it really matter?? She also wears unmatched socks most of the time. Like those tall tie dyed kind, one blue one pink. She is definitely comfortable in her own skin. Wherever she is or whoever she is with, she is Emma. Both of my kids are very much their own person, which I admire, but that can be a struggle point as well!

I guess what I'm saying is that I admire her individuality...now if she would just clean her room. I think that's a subject for another day-or another thread!! I try to look at that as a positive so dealing with it isn't so bad.

Kids-gotta love them!! I mean really, you have to if it's your own kid, don't you??? LOL!!

[J9Buckles]

I have the perfect solution for the untidy teen room........shut the door. LOL Really - it works! And then, don't feel guilty about it. That's the hard part - feeling like you're not a good mom if you don't force them to keep their room spotless. I know I taught them how to clean ... once, so when they get their own place they'll be just fine. Two of mine have moved out and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself but they have clean apartments. My son loves to keep his hardwood floors shiny. Who is this kid?!!!!

[Ngaire]

I have two dd and a ds. the girls are 28 and nearly 27.
One was the queen of sulking and slamming doors the other the best drama queen I have ever meet!!
BUT the teenage years weren't the horrible times that people said they would be. I think that what Kimmy said is spot on for what we had. And I totally agree with what she has said. Especially the praying for them bit.
My advice is don't dread the times but look forward to the awesome times that you will get out of them. They are there and believe it or not the time goes past very very quickly and it is very quiet when they have gone!
The girls are just the most beautiful ladies now and now we have a little lady (GD) that has the sulking and the drama queen stuff all rolled into one!! And she is only 18months!!!
Take each day as it comes and thank the Lord when you have got through it and ask for the energy, wisdom and paitence to get through the next day!

[neety]

Remember -

You don't have to LIKE them ... you just have to LOVE them!

... Neety