[Cheryl~Maui]

I'm just needing to release and let some of this go, please bear with me. It seems like only yesterday that we were the apple of our children's eye and now that they have become teenagers (DS 16 and DD 19), they no longer view us that way. I know that there is a point in our lives taht we need to turn away from being the care giver to the counselors. They no longer seem to want us involved in thier lives, all they will talk to us about is just the superficial stuff you know - not about what's really going on in thier lives. For example, we knew that our daughter was talking to someone on the mainland, what we didn't realize was that she had been having an on-line relationship with someone for over 2 years and he's become the center of her life - she hasn't even met the guy... Now our son who I can see has so much anger in him towards his dad and he won't be honest with me about what is really going on. My DH can be a bit of an analytical junkie and has that need to be correct a lot of the time - which can infuriate them. I just don't know what to do anymore.
thanks for listening.

[sheilaj]

I am not going to offer any advice just ((hugs)) and one question.....have you said this to your kids? ((more hugs))

[SandiC.]

I really breaks your heart when your children separate from you. They all do it. Its a normal part of them developing into young adults. I'm concerned about the internet relationship your DD is involved in. That could be serious but I have no idea how that should be handled. I was devastated when my 3 DSs started moving away from me. Now that they are adults, they are back to being my sons again, very loving and grateful for what I've done for them and now they tell me everything (sometimes too much). My prayers are with you because this is a scary and hurtful time for you, but it does get better as they move out of this phase of their lives and into adulthood.

[sunnie2004]

I can offer nothing but so sorry this is happening. Been there done this & I am no good at it. wish there was a magic key a coould turn & make it all better but unfortunely there isnt. Since I have no contact with my son I am definetly not the one for advice. All I can say is let them know you are there.

Caren

[amanda]

Just keep doing the best job you know how. I'm sorry, it must be so hurtful.

[kimmybutton]

this is such a difficult time for everyone...the "kids" and the parents...just hang in there...show unconditional love...show unconditional love...show unconditional love...did i say to love them???!!!! continue to be available for them when they decide they want to talk (it's never a convenient time and never seems to be when you initiate the conversation) find something to praise them about everyday (look hard...there is always something positive you can say) and last, pray for them and let them know you pray for them. we've been through this 4 times...our youngest is 20.

[NS_Scrapper]

No advice here - just thoughts and hugs as you move through this difficult phase.

[Cheryl~Maui]

scrappin'doc, on Jun 22 2008, 01:12 AM, said:

I really breaks your heart when your children separate from you. They all do it. Its a normal part of them developing into young adults. I'm concerned about the internet relationship your DD is involved in. That could be serious but I have no idea how that should be handled. I was devastated when my 3 DSs started moving away from me. Now that they are adults, they are back to being my sons again, very loving and grateful for what I've done for them and now they tell me everything (sometimes too much). My prayers are with you because this is a scary and hurtful time for you, but it does get better as they move out of this phase of their lives and into adulthood.

I totally understand the concern regarding the internet relationship, when we first learned of this we were devastated. We pondered back and forth what to do. We did go to the police and have them do a background check on this young man and all that we had learned was that he was as he said. He is about 2 years older than our daughter. They talk to each other constanly. I am not surprised that he has not made an attempt to come here to meet her as we have now known about this relationship for about a year. I am surprised that she has placed such a faith in this relationship. I pray that God will give us all strength to see/help her through this relationship, to be able to provide her the strength/understanding that she will need. Thank you all for your support, I so appreciate it.

[PurpleJAF]

Oh, Cheryl! I don't have any advice, as my DS is only six and we are still enjoying him thinking we are the world. I can feel your pain, though. All I can do is give you a

[Durin]

I haven't gone through this yet, and am dreading it when it comes. I don't have any advice other than just making sure they know you love them unconditionally and are always there for them, which you are already doing. The transition between childhood and being an adult is so difficult...sigh.

[LaLo1103]

I just came across this post but wanted to send some hugs and positive thoughts your way. I hope this post finds you with an improved situation. Hang in there!

[MaryJo]

Oh I can hear your broken heart here ! I have raised 6 children and they range from years : 24, 22, 19, 16, 14, and 13 ! I love them all dearly and there have been times when they are quiet and don't want to share what's going on in their lives. My second oldest son James he's 22 is the one that is most distant. He is very creative and totally moody, but I think that comes from his music, he's a wonderful musician and gets so depressed when it doesn't go right with him.

So, I give him lots of space and I just let him know that I'm here if he needs to talk and I promise him I won't be judgmental, unless he's broken a law or hurt someone. And its working, he comes to me more often now and its still hard for him, but he's learning to open up with both myself and DH !
I don't know what to say about the internet except we keep a very close eye on where they are on the internet and who they are communicating with. Some of them have myspace and I created an account to check on them and see what's going on! Plus, I check the history on the desktop to see who's gone where!

I think they'll come around especially when something happens and they need Mom and Dad, then you can discuss just what is going on ! If the one who's had an internet affair is under age, you could always pull a power move and take away the internet. I don't know if that would work or just make her more distant from you !

But, I am glad you were able to share with us and vent , it always helps to share esp. when its breaking your heart ! I'll be praying for all of you !

[Shelbi]

I don't have anything to add.
My kids are still young.
I do feel bad for what you are going through, I hope that is all gets worked out.

[MelJohnson]

I don't have anything to add except my hope that your kids will realize how much you love them. (((((Big hugs to you, Cheryl.)))))

[debubbie]

just keep loving them and doing the best that you can. always let them know that you love them and are there to listen when you they are ready to talk. Your daughter may be interested in the online relationship as she doesn't have to meet anyone face to face and therefore makes it easier for her to be in the relationship and can protect herself from hurt. (if that makes sense) but, i would still be concerned.

you will be in my thoughts

[Canyon Momma]

All I can say is that they do come back! Just keep your home a loving, safe and happy place. It takes them all some time to find their way.

[Kimmer]

Read this tonight after having an argument with my 20 year old DS. Was thinking boy do I ever need advice as I was in tears! Having the first teenagers in my neighborhood I had a few parents ask me for advice. My first was - don't start drinking you may never stop and then there would be more issues! But the only thing I could seriously think of was to really really know that your teenager still loves you. Many times I thought with the first teenager how much he hated me but then something happened(honestly don't remember if it was a specific incident) where I knew he really loved me through all of our difficulties. This made it easier for me - not that there weren't still alot of issues that still happened but I was able to deal with them a bit better. And good news is he did come around after he went into the Marines - I loved boot camp
I will say some prayers for you and your family and with everyone else, lots of hugs.

[Jane in N.Z]

Find praise in something they do everyday and dont forget the daily hugs--they may push you away but they love it really. Just show them unconditional love. This is normal I have 3 children 27, 24 and 16. Above all else pray for them.

[Doodle99]

I am new, so I am just reading this, but I feel for you. I have a 15 and 5 year old. My 5 year old wants on my lap and for me to read her stories still. The 15 year old wants me to drive her places and listen not talk.

I am not so young, but I clearly remember those times in my life. All I ever really wanted was for my mother to listen and not talk too. Our advise seems outdated and intrusive, but they still need to get it off thier chest. Try letting them know, unless they are puting themselves or others in harms way, they can tell you ANYTHING and it will stay with you. If they want advise, ask, if they just want to talk, just say so.

Knowing you are there and interested is really all they want at those ages.

Good Luck and loves of Mommy Hugs from me to you!

[Sara Arell]

Well, you aren't alone. I have four children - three of them are grown and out on their own - have their Master's and families and are good, honest, hard-working, intelligent people with common sense. And then I have an 18 year old still at home who is only nice to me when he wants something. He is adopted so I know that genetics are the difference between him and my other three, because I did everything the same way with him as I did my other three and all I get is flack! Sometimes it can go on for days and sometimes it's just over in an hour and then he ALWAYS comes and hugs me and tells me he is sorry and that he loves me.

There are days when I would just like to find a padded room and sit down in it and scream at the top of my lungs. My problem is that I have no temper, I don't like confrontation and I am a Mommy through and through. I don't know how to be anything else. I had my first baby a month after my 18th birthday and I was absolutely in my element, so, we had more and when that wasn't enough, we became a foster family and we have had over 30 children in our home over the years. My 18 year old came to us at three weeks old and we just fell in love with him and were thrilled when we found out that he was going to be put up for adoption because we knew that our hearts would never let us give him back.

But there were and are problems - too many to even go into - and all I ask for is a little respect and for him to clean up behind himself. I can live with the rest of his problems because I know he can't help some of them. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar, crack baby, fetal alcohol syndrome and a little Asperbergers. But I know that God didn't give me more than he thought I could handle and so that is how I try and look at it.

So, hang in there - one day, I hope, that mine will look at me and say, "Hey Mom - you were right."