[momentousangel]

As hectic as life has been for our family with all the changes rapidly taking place, I don't know that people understand the meaning of family. Yes, I am divorced, yes I still care for my ex very much as does he for me. No, it isn't the same and would I go back again? Truth is, I would not. We've changed, things have changed, we are divorced, yet we are still family. We are divorced but we are still family... this very statement itself is the cause of debate for others who can not seem to comprehend that just because we are divorced, just because we aren't "together" doesn't mean we can't remain as a family. For instance, I was asked what I am doing for Thanksgiving, I responded without thinking about how it must sound to others, I will be having Thanksgiving dinner, with help from my ex, at home with my children. My ex will be in and out over the next few days helping me to give my children the same Thanksgiving dinner they are used to having while he will have Thanksgiving dinner elsewhere. In honesty, I wanted to laugh at the look I got after my response. Family, what is the meaning of it? Just because we are divorced, doesn't mean we can not do for each other nor does it mean that we have to go on hating each other. The world is filled with enough hatred and we don't need to add to it. We may be apart, but we are still family to each other as well as in the eyes of our children. They are what is important, they are what matters to us the most. Whether we are married or divorced, in many ways we have taught our children that family isn't always the same as someone elses and that it doesn't have to be the same. We've taught our children that every person on the face of this earth is different, with different views on various subjects. We aren't meant to be the same as anyone else. We do our best as parents to instill in our children the many lessons that we as parents must teach. We want the best for our children, this is what all parents want for their children. In many ways I can say that the funny look I got as I responded to the question that was asked, made me want to laugh. People fail to understand that family is family, no matter how diverse a family may be. Getting the funny looks I often get when I am asked things that I choose to answer honestly and openly, I can not help but laugh and think about how lucky I am and how thankful I am for the family that I have, regardless of how it may look or sound to others. It doesn't matter the funny looks, the way people view us as a family, all that really matters is that we are family.

[needadietcoke]

Clearly, you and your ex learned the art of civility and parted well. How much better would our world be if more people could do the same! Three cheers for all types of families and hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful! Your children are very lucky!

[scrappylibrarian]

Beautifully put Valerie! I hope your whole family enjoys a blessed holiday!

[SandiC.]

Very cool. My ex and I still care for each other. I would not want to be back with him, but I do care about him a lot. We were married for 18 years and are the parents of our 3 sons. According to my DIL, if I wanted him back he would leave his second wife to come back to me. Don't want that at all. Because she's very jealous, we really can't maintain contact except through the boys (they are still the boys even though the youngest is 30. hehe.) but if push came to shove, we'd be there for each other. If he were alone and sick, I'd take care of him. So, yeah, we're still family. With the passage of time the anger and high emotion of a failed marriage fade and we can remember the good times and smile.

[Jo Corne]

amen to you Valerie and to you Sandi. I think anyone who can look beyond the pain and realise that it is best for all concerned to be civil and maybe even friends who still care is SO much more important than the horrible stuff.

I have a workmate who has a wonderful relationship with her ex. they aren't divorced but have been separated for ages and still come together to share holidays, birthdays.. they are just better friends than they were a couple and saw to it that before it got nasty and their daughter was damaged, they pulled the plug on that relationship and continued with their friendship. an example to us all

God bless you all for caring so much

[StephRN]

I agree with you Valerie and Sandi. Once the high emotion of the divorce faded. I am in a better space with XDH than while married to him.

Besides, who would want to be the normal, average divorced family. Normal & average is not what I'm after in life. Excellence, kindness, tolerance those are more important than fitting into the "norm".

Good for you and your children. They are learning by example. The greatest teacher of all.

[Smiles]

It is so good to hear examples of divorced couples who have been able to work around their issues and focus on what's best for the children.
Far too many divorced parents have used their children as weapons, doing untold damage to the children with their lies and hatred.
You are setting wonderful examples!

[momentousangel]

At first, well, as much as I would like to say it was good, it wasn't so good. Then, well, so much has happened in our lives that has changed both of our views as well as who we are. In many ways, we share bonds that no one else could ever touch. We still share laughs together and many years of memories and while it seems even weirder to others that we can talk for hours, we've learned to listen to each other and understand from two points of view instead of just one. We can talk for hours on the phone and not realize how long we are even on it, often in re of the kids or because we just want someone to be there to listen or because when the kids aren't here, well, the quiet is not as easy for me to deal with as people would think it should be. I'm used to the noise of the children playing and running around, when they're away all I hear is the cats meowing for them to return, literally, Lol! If it weren't for all the pets that live with my ex, I'm sure the cats would be going with the kids on the weekends, lol. Something that both he and I get a laugh out of every weekend is the way the cats stand at the door meowing as the kids are leaving and them standing at the door waiting to be greeted when the kids come home, lol. We've also figured out that our children are great at pushing the limits, however, the same rules they've always had still apply. This is about the only issue we've come across and through talking instead of screaming matches, together we are getting the children to understand that we were their parents before anything and we will always be their parents. No one can nor ever will replace either of us, although at times I'm sure they wish differently, lol. We've been through a lot together through the years and we'll go through a lot more together in the years to come. So years, get ready, we've got a long long way to go. Lol!

[Kricket]

I've been divorced for over 20 yrs and have had
those looks thrown at me also. I simply tell people
that I divorced my husband But he is still the father of my children
and for them we will interact in a civilized manner.

I have also remained in touch with his family - even lived with
them for a few months after the divorce. I again say "I divorced
my husband Not his family!"

Wishing all your family a happy holiday!

[April Showers]

My "ex" sister-in-law cried just as hard as any of us when we found my mother had cancer, came to my parents 50th wedding anniversary party, and 3 weeks later mourned with us at my mother's funeral. She hadn't been married to my brother for 25 years, but my mom always treated her as part of our family.
Valerie, your children are lucky to have parents who, even though divorced, put aside their own differences and focus on raising their children.

[StephanieB]

StephRN, on Nov 24 2008, 10:26 PM, said:

Besides, who would want to be the normal, average divorced family. Normal & average is not what I'm after in life. Excellence, kindness, tolerance those are more important than fitting into the "norm".

So true!!! My ex husband and I aren't the normal divorced family either and that's just fine with me. We get along and we can say we like each other. Things happened that couldn't be fixed in our marriage and well.....we are still parents of 2 amazing boys so we do our very best at co-parenting. I love hearing from other divorced families that get along and have healthy post-divorce relationships.

Now...we aren't at a place where we have Thanksgiving dinner together but we go to parent teacher conferences together and help each other out whenever needed. Heck....last week I was having a horrible day and I called and asked if I could pick up the boys from school and spend a few minutes with them. Without hesitation he said "whatever you need do it". And I would do the same if he called.

Oh on the subject of ex-family....yesterday there was a horrible car crash on the road I take to work. There was a small black car in the middle of this wreck....I drive a black Honda. My ex-SIL drives the same freeway and saw the black car. She called my ex-husband to make sure it wasn't me. Not even 2 minutes later my ex's new wife saw the wreck and also called to check on me. It was nice to know they are still watching out for me.

[Glorie]

Bring on the laughs is what I'd say! For you and your DH to be able to share and still be a family is shocking news in a 'divorced' couple for most people and that's why the 'look'. Also, I think people love the drama of negativity and you don't have that to share. Thank God for that! Bless you and your 'family' during the upcoming holidays! Your children are blessed to have what you have chosen to give them!

[momentousangel]

Seems we are lucky in many ways to have gotten past what we now refer to as the storm. All in all, I feel comfort in knowing that we aren't the only ones who get the "funny" looks. Today we went to the grocery store together and ran into one of the other troop leaders, she knew us both from scouts and while she looked a bit confused seeing us together, we both got a laugh at the thought of him cooking Thanksgiving dinner for us. He overheard us talking and just gave me that look that said everything was going to be alright. In my heart, I know it will be because I refuse to settle for anything less.

[Julie - scrapaholic]

Yes, Valerie you are family. It is nice to see that you have remained friends, and do put the children first. I have heard so many stories of divorced famlies that constantly fight, and put the children in the middle. My ex and I barely talk, but he has also not been around for my DD. Even with that, I have never said anything bad about him, and when he does call I encourage my DD to talk with him. I wish I had more of a situation such as yours.

Good for you is all I can say. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

[PBarnes]

With so many horrible divorces you hear about, it is wonderful to hear when divorced parents can get along. I'm glad to hear that things are coming along for you Val.