[Romantic Heart]

I have vented about my SIL before and told you about her attitude concerning my youngest child, who is adopted. It still hasn't stopped and it's affecting our children. Today, we had a family get together at my in laws. My FIL wanted to have a family talk about adopted family members. My 15-yr-old nephew goes, "Adopted family members? Haha, who wants to talk about them? Not even their own Mom wants them so why would we want to talk about them." I bet you can guess who his mother is. My DS' had to be held back by their Uncles and Grandfather so none of them would deck their cousin. Too bad no one noticed my 12-yr-old DD sitting right next to her cousin. She punched him and gave him a black eye. All kinds of chaos broke out at that point. His mother was freaking out. My boys were yelling and high fiving my DD, and so were some of their cousins. It was a bad scene. My MIL was holding meat on my nephews eye and giving my DD quite the lecture about lady like behavior. My DD fired back at her Grandma (something she never does) and told her that his remark wasn't lady like and didn't deserve a lady like answer. So, my MIL told her that she didn't have to lower herself to meet someone else's bad behavior. My DD exploded and wanted to know why she was on his side. She yelled that he was saying bad things about her little brother and Daddy and she had the right to defend them. I completely understand where my MIL was coming from, but I have to say her timing wasn't that great. It did sound like she was defending my nephew's rotten behavior, even though she was letting my DD know she was expecting better out of her. My FIL quietly asked my MIL to back off and leave my DD alone. Now get this. My BIL stepped up and said, "I would've punched him too if he said something like that about my brother or father." To which my FIL looked at him and said, "it WAS your brother he was talking about and it was YOUR SON that said it." My BIL looked like he was the one who was punched instead of his son. Wow. You could see the little light bulb go off over his head. Everyone got quiet for a few minutes, to the point of awkward, uncomfortabe silence. A different BIL piped up to break the tension and said, "the real question here today is where did you learn to hit like that?" My DD replied, "duh, I have 3 big brothers." My SIL (DH's little sister) high fived her and told her she's just like her aunt. Everyone started laughing and that broke the tension and uncomfortable situation. The subject was postponed until the next family get together. I have to wonder if there's going to be a big attitude change by then. That was quite the shock on my BIL's face when his father told him it was his brother and his son who said it.

Thanks for letting me share! When I shared the probs with my SIL before, the responses were a big help.

Lizzy

[Prahe]

Wow...families can be a right pain in the butt sometimes. It's very sad the your SIL has poisoned her children with her negative views. I personally would distance myself from your SIL and her family...your kids sure don't need those family members. Keep on telling your kids you love them (I don't doubt you do that anyway!) They need to hear it even if they know it. Good luck and keep us posted.

[SandiC.]

Wow! Layers and layers of bad feelings here, but sounds like the air cleared a little. It also sounds like your FIL is a pretty great guy. Well, your DD sure has some spunk and I sort of see your MIL's point about not lowering your standards but in the heat of the moment, maybe not the best timing, but you gotta give her credit for sticking up for her little brother. Sounds like your nephew really needs a sound reality check. Hopefully, your BIL, who finally seems to "get it" will take care of that. What a fiasco! Well, there are bunches and bunches of us around here that absolutely think adoption is the biggest gift to give a child and that those who are adoptive parents are true heroes. Don't ever think for a moment that the whole world thinks like your SIL. Thanks for the interesting update. I'm hoping that some good will come of all this somewhere.

[Jo Corne]

amen to what Sandi has said. and I am glad you have come back to update us on this story, know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers that this all works out in the end.

hang tough Lizzie, we are here for you

[LisaL]

Hmmm, sounds eventful! Being a bit of a tomboy/princess myself, I probably would have hit him also. As a Mom of 3 boys and a DD, I also understand where you MIL is coming from, but the first lecture should have been to the boy on saying hurtful things to anyone much less family. A small footnote to you DD could have been added after the fact. I always try to remind my kids that we cannot control how other people act, the only thing we can control is how we react to them. And in this case, I can't say I would have reacted much different. I pray your DS feels the love that most of the family has and that there is no affect from the poor judgement and insensitivtiy of the few. Remind him that what goes around usually comes around eventually. Maybe he will get to witness some of that from a distance as time passes.

[siskitkat]

Ugh! I feel your pain. DH and I adopted our kids. We have some family members who would not have accepted them. Fortunately, we'd already distanced ourselves from them, for other reasons, before the adoption.
I am proud of your DD. I agree that we would like them to always take the higher ground, but it is nice to know that they can stand up for themselves. I hope and pray, that your BIL starts to stand up for himself, and his family, and puts a stop to the poison that your SIL is spreading.

[elibar]

My prayers go out for you and your family regarding the whole situation.

[Julie - scrapaholic]

Not that this was a good thing, but in a sense it might have been what was needed to start to clear the air, and allow the acceptance. I do hope that the next meeting goes smoothly and this can be put to rest.

[fit2walk]

I'm so sorry to hear about the bad feelings, but agree with the others who said it might be a good thing that this got out in the open. Seeing the lightbulb go off in your BIL's head could be the best thing that could have happened.

[Zaz]

Oh Lizzy! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with your own family members having such little minds. While I can't rightfully condone your daughter's behavior (but boy, I'd like to), I am SO impressed that she was immediately, without even thinking, willing to stand up to someone for her dad and little brother. She obviously "gets" adoption.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I'm quite fortunate that the only person in our family that doesn't seem to approve of our adoptions is an aunt that I don't see much. And at least she doesn't come right out and say so. I'm glad your FIL seems to be respected in the family and wants to deal with this subject.

I'm glad you feel safe talking to us. I'll be praying for a bit more peace, love and respect in your entire family.

~Zaz

[catvinnat]

I think anyone who adopts is absolutely marvelous. I am blessed with my own child but for years we thought we would never have our own and when the light dawned on me we had left it too late to be considered for adoption.
Give your daughter a secret high 5 from me for sticking up for her little brother. Maybe her cousin will think twice before being so hurtful again. Kids can often accomplish what adults pussy foot around and it sounds like her instinctive response may well have forced the issue.
What a crying shame that some of your family members have such a negative attitude - just think of all the love and joy they are missing out on. Maybe now its out in the open it might clear the air a little.
Sending hugs

[mbc72]

I realize the seriousness of this situation, but I have to honestly say I was SO CHEERING your DD for slugging her cousin. I know there are many better ways of handling the situation, but you are obviously raising a very strong minded daughter who is not afraid to stand up for what she believes in, and maybe that extreme behavior is what opened your BIL eyes to the real problem-his own family.

I am praying for you and your entire family. It sounds like they are very open about trying to find a solution to this issue and I hope you are all able to get to a healthy place with it, SOON.

[CRS]

I was really hoping your family problems had calmed down some after the holidays, but I see it hasn't. No, your dd probably shouldn't have hit her cousin, but, you must be so proud of her for standing up for her family. I really hope this is the start of some new additudes in your extended family. Good luck and I will keep your family in my prayers.

[floss]

Lizzy,a very difficult time for you.At least DD spontaneous reaction(and we all do things we possibly wouldn't have done if we had thought it through) may be just the catalyst your SIL needs to pull her up short.Does she lack something in her own family life that makes her jealous of your own close family unit?Is she expecting her kids to inherit something that she doesn't want to share with others?She sounds very insecure if she sees adoption in this way.
Your kids sound great,not perfect, but normal,happy and secure.Feel sorry for your SIL .You have something so much more, with your family ,than she will ever have.
I hope at the next family meeting that she and her family approach things differently.If not it will be her loss.

[KBT]

Ok, so I have to admit that I too was silently cheering for your DD No, not condoning, but silently cheering. And kudos to your FIL for finally really standing up to his family. Sounds like the issues are really getting out into the air now. Maybe you could have an adult air it out meeting first and then hopefully more lightbulbs will go off before your next whole family meeting? Prayers for your family so that you can be a family again soon.

[J9Buckles]

Out of the mouths.....and fists of babes! I do hope this is the beginning of some resolution for you and your family. Your dd's heart is certainly in the right place, regardless of where her fist landed.

[sheriL]

Wow, sounds like maybe some eyes were opened today - I hope it leads to some softer hearts. It is great to see how most of your family is so quick to stand up for each other.

[Smiles]

Well, I hope you can continue the message that you are very happy your DD stood up for her family, while gently suggesting that there might be less violent ways.
Still, I think the strength of her reaction was about right for the stimulus. Maybe you can brainstorm better ways to be assertive that are socially acceptable.
It is SO important for girls to have self confidence and be able and willing to stand up for themselves and others.
I truly hope this works out to be a major Ah Hah for all concerned.
Hang in there!

[Romantic Heart]

Thanks everyone. You gave me just what I needed. I was really conflicted about the whole thing with my DD and not sure how I should handle hitting her cousin, even if she thought it was for good reason. We had a talk with her last night about appropriate responses, and I think I'm going to let it go at that. You're all right when so many of you said her heart was in the right place, even if her fist wasn't. Loved that line, btw! lol

Last night, I didn't give you all the details. I wanted to see what was going to happen today before I said anything else, since people often change their minds after a good night of sleep. Yesterday, my DH missed the whole scene, because he was upstairs taking care of our 1-yr-old. By the time he could get back down to see what all the commotion was about, the tension had been eased. When he came downstairs, he saw our nephew with a black eye and immediately jumped our twins. The boys do not get along. Our nephew is 3 months older than our twins and he taunts them about being geeks. His father stopped him and told him to relax and we'll fill him on the event later. My BIL decided it was time for them to get going and left almost immediately. After they left, we told my DH about the whole incident. He was hurt and livid. Understandable. I was too. Then he said, "that woman needs counseling." Red flag--he had already distanced himself from her and she was "that woman" instead of his SIL. He stated that he's done with her issues and no longer wants her anywhere near him or our family. Also an understandable reaction. We all figured he'd calm down and let it go eventually. Now, I'm not so sure. My DH has to be one of the most patient people in the world. Well, your strengths are your weaknesses and what's the negative attribute of patient--STUBBORN. Oh, is he ever. I just spoke to him on the phone and he's adamant that he no longer wants our kids anywhere near her. I have no idea what's going to happen now. My DH's family is close. I know it must be heart wrenching for my MIL and FIL. I also feel so bad for my BIL. My DH is really close to his little sister and youngest brother. His brother his age--not so much. The other two aren't close to him either. He needs his family more than ever right now and my DH wants nothing to do with him. I'm not interfering. My DH needs some time and space, but I really hope for the sake of his family, there is some peaceful resolution somewhere in the not so far off future.

Geez, this year has sucked already. Last year was a great year, but this one argh. Ok, what do I have to be grateful for? I always ask myself that when it feels like everything is going wrong. Ok, it's only the beginning of the year and at least I'm not saying the year sucked in December. lol I'm also grateful my DD feels so strongly about her family and is willing to stick up for them.

Lizzy

[Romantic Heart]

BTW, one of things that's so hard is I completely agree that I don't want our SIL anywhere near our children with her attitude, but at the same time, it's heart breaking to see my DH's family torn up like they are right now.

I also thought I'd tell you that before we left yesterday, my FIL told our DD not to tell her Grandma, but he would've hit him too. I had to laugh. lol

[Ro]

Yowsers! What a stew!

As a mother of adopted sons, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. But your DH sounds like a cool guy. He isn't putting up with the mess and the SIL that needs some counseling. I could have used a few people standing up for my kids over the years...

People can be so ridiculous about this topic. Really. Sigh...

[HeidiD]

If your DH needs some distance, maybe that's a good thing. It doesn't have to be forever. Nothing has to be forever. If he needs time to figure out what he wants from a relationship with his brother and SIL, then give him time.

I've had my share of breaks with various members of my families, and have come back to the relationship stronger for being apart. It gives you time to find out what you need for yourself, and be refreshed.

Just a thought. Good for your daughter!

[sheilaj]

Lizzy, you say that you've had a bad start to the year but I see good here too, like Ro's latest muse about the left in stitch (DH had THREE in his mouth, the surgeon knew they were there but DH had healed too quick and he would have had to have them cut out so the surgeon said to leave them be and let them work themselves out....they did but eugh!) Yes your DD probably shouldn't oughtta but it does sound like she lanced the boil and did what the adults couldn't....now you all have the whole year to heal in.
I recently had need to ask for prayers for family reconciliation on here and was rewarded in ways I couldn't have imagined and now I would like to share those prayers with you.
Last thought is that God does work in mysterious ways....sometimes even with a DD's fist!

[Romantic Heart]

That's a great way to look at it! I was so weighed down with the issue, I wasn't seeing it like that at all.

My DH and I had a long talk about it all last night. I don't like to see family fighting and walking away from each other. I've lost my parents and brother, so it's especially hard for me to see. But, like my DH said, if my brother were here, who knows what life would be like with him. He was also correct when he said I would never allow him around our kids if he had that attitude. Then he asked me how I'd react if it was one of our kids that said what our nephew did. The ripple from my anger and disappointment would probably be felt around the world. Although he feels bad for the disconnection between him and his brother, he finds his brother responsible for his family's attitude and behavior. His brother should've stopped it long before it came to a family feud. We make our kids take responsibility for their actions. Now, he's making his brother take responsibility for his actions-- or lack of them. Until his family gets counseling, none of them are allowed near our kids. He thinks he's doing his brother a favor, and I have to agree. It's still hard, even though I've always had issues with my SIL, but I have to agree it's for the best. BTW, my DH talked to his sister yesterday, and her and her DH decided to do the same thing. They don't want their kids exposed to that attitude and behavior. She was accused of taking sides initially, but made it clear to their mother that she wasn't taking sides, but watching out for her children, espcially since they've been seriously considering adopting a child the last few months. Maybe with the strong stance my DH and SIL are taking, my BIL will get his family the help they need. Let's pray they get it.

[Smiles]

Setting boundaries to protect your family is a good thing.
I would hope your FIL would make it clear that comments like that are not welcome in their home.
But maybe that's what the meeting was called for in the first place.
Take it as a blessing in disguise, and go with it.

[sunflowerjudy]

I Love your DD and lets face it - unladylike behavior wasn't the worse behavior at the table that day (or the one that deserved the attention). I don't think anything else would have sent quite the same message as what your daughter's action did. Kids disciplining kids is the most effective way of getting a point across. Lets hope your SIL has a better understanding of where family loyalties lie now.

I also hope that you consider doing a scrapbooking page on how proud you are of your dd and her reaction to defend her family. Your children sound like they are totally beautiful.

[Romantic Heart]

Welcome to the forums, Judy. I hope you stay awhile.

Unfortunately, this problem is still going on. I've been thinking of scrapping it, but not sure how I want to do it yet. Initially, I was waiting to see how long it would play out, because that would affect the page. I'm still thinking about it.

[LisaL]

Romantic Heart, on Feb 5 2009, 09:52 PM, said:

Welcome to the forums, Judy. I hope you stay awhile.

Unfortunately, this problem is still going on. I've been thinking of scrapping it, but not sure how I want to do it yet. Initially, I was waiting to see how long it would play out, because that would affect the page. I'm still thinking about it.

I guess you may have to punch your SIL before it is all said and done! Like I said when you very first posted about this, "We can take her!" Keep your chin up and remember she is one with the problem. Just keep working on getting her problem to stop being yours!

[sunflowerjudy]

Thanks for the welcome Romantic Heart - I guess I'm a serial lurker but your story just made me admire your kids so much. I like a family that sticks up for each other - we all need that protective wrapping over our lives. It must warm your heart to know your kids are committed to each other like this. Of course I'm not suggesting that slugging each other is the ideal way of dealing with a situation but I think in this particular situation - your kids made a big statement and hooray for them.

[StephRN]

Lizzy, I'm sorry to hear about the conflict in your family. I agree with others that your DDs reaction isn't what society would condone but it sure made the point very clearly. And I also agree that kids defending kids has valuable teaching ability.

I have been taking some classes in "transforming" my life over the last 2 years. In one of the classes we did an autobiography of our lives. Everyone noticed the breaks and rifts in their family structures. It appears to be the norm. The class helped us to mend those relationships which we really want to maintain and let go of those that are not what we are about. No guilt, no suffering. Just creating positively where it is possible and letting go where it is not.

I loved that class. I have let go of all the shame, guilt & burden of walking away from abusive family members. And I clearly see the messages of your SIL and her son as abusive.

I'm sending love & prayers your way. I hope for you and your family.... peacefulness and the strength to choose and define your family relationships in a way that teaches and fortifies yourself & your children.

Hugs