[Smiles]

StephRN, on Feb 5 2009, 08:50 PM, said:

Lizzy, I'm sorry to hear about the conflict in your family. I agree with others that your DDs reaction isn't what society would condone but it sure made the point very clearly. And I also agree that kids defending kids has valuable teaching ability.

I have been taking some classes in "transforming" my life over the last 2 years. In one of the classes we did an autobiography of our lives. Everyone noticed the breaks and rifts in their family structures. It appears to be the norm. The class helped us to mend those relationships which we really want to maintain and let go of those that are not what we are about. No guilt, no suffering. Just creating positively where it is possible and letting go where it is not.

I loved that class. I have let go of all the shame, guilt & burden of walking away from abusive family members. And I clearly see the messages of your SIL and her son as abusive.

I'm sending love & prayers your way. I hope for you and your family.... peacefulness and the strength to choose and define your family relationships in a way that teaches and fortifies yourself & your children.

Hugs

Amen to that.
Stephanie - I love your wisdom!

[Romantic Heart]

Wow, who sent up the magical prayer that helped? I've been wanting to come back and tell you, but have been too busy to do much besides check my email. Last Friday, my BIL called my DH at work and apologized for his family's behavior and let him know they're getting family counseling and some of them are getting individual counseling. My BIL is one of those people that thinks things through thoroughly and doesn't do anything without a lot of thought, so I'm sure this weighed on him for awhile. It was good to hear. I hope they learn to open their hearts and accept my DH, my DS, and my future niece or nephew (my SIL and her DH have decided to adopt!) as real family members. My DH said his brother told him he never thought of him as adopted, that he was just his brother. My DH is okay with everyone being there at the next family gathering, but isn't ready to invite them over for dinner until he sees some changes in their behavior. We'll see how it all goes. I'm praying it helps bring the brothers closer again.

Lizzy

[Smiles]

That's wonderful news!
I've been wondering how things are going.
Thanks for the update.
(Maybe it was the sheer weight of all those prayers together???)
hugs,

[LisaL]

Yay! I am glad to hear healing is in the works!

[sheilaj]

I am so pleased to hear your great news...families are so important.

[Zaz]

Well, that sounds like a good start. I'm glad your BIL is thinking about this. And I'm thrilled to hear that he always thought of your DH as his brother without the added label. Please let us know how it's going down the road. I really hope your family continues to grow and heal. That would be so awesome.

[J9Buckles]

Such encouraging news! I pray the healing, however long it takes, is complete and that your families can begin to have fun when you get together. The children would so benefit from it!

[CRS]

That sounds like a great first step. I'll keep your family in my prayers and that everyone gets the help they need. And congrats on the future niece or nephew!

[catinkeri]

Lizzy, I'm a little behind the curve ball on this but I just wanted to say it's been 'great' reading this thread from start to finish. It sounds like things are working out for everyone involved ... fingers crossed it keeps on getting better for you and your families!
The only thing I want to say after reading your first post (and giving your DD a secret high five as well!!) is that it's not true about her being adopted out because 'they' didn't want her. I was adopted out when I was a baby and I was raised with the TRUTH that I was given up for adoption (not given away) because my birth-parents loved me so much that they wanted to give me more than what they could at that time. Not only was I loved enough to be given up, but I was also VERY special because I got to be chosen by my family ... most children don't get to have two choices, or be chosen - they are just with a family. Does that make any sense?
So if anyone started picking on me because I was adopted ... I just stuck my plucky little nose in the air and told them that I was special - they just got dumped with their family! Okay - so I wasn't the nicest of children saying that (hindsight is 20/20) but it made me feel a lot better about myself!!
Adoption is a totally, TOTALLY wonderful thing ... even though my family life hasn't been the best I know that being adopted out was the best thing to happen to me and I am thankful to all of the wonderful families that adopt into their families!
My thoughts are with your families through this and hope that the end of the tunnel is filled with wonderful times together - it may not happen tomorrow but somewhere down the track your SIL will come to her senses and get over whatever it is that she needs to get over within herself! This isn't about your daughter, this is about your SIL and her problems!!
HUGS ...

[sheriL]

I'm so glad things have taken a step in the right direction. What wonderful news!

[jeschaff]

That's great news, Lizzy. I'll keep praying that this situation will be resolved completely. Thanks for the update.

[fit2walk]

Thanks for the update. That's such good news. It's so important for every family member to be seen as valuable and important to the rest of the family.

[Pireps]

Wow! What memories you have sparked for me. My little sister became my sister the day she was born, but God didn't bring her to live with me until she was 5. My mom told me he needed her to light the lives of a few other people first. Her parents were 15 and 17. They tried, but when she ws 6 months old they brought her to the hospital bleeding and said they just couldn't take care of her and they didn't want her to have a terrible life.

As far as the mother not wanting him... That only means a mother who can't love, it doesn't mean an innocent baby is unloveable. People who shouldn't, or don't want to be parents keep their kids every day and the children are certainly not better off. Maybe the boy was expressing his own pain.

I've known people who tell me they have 3,4,5,2 kids and one is adopted. I always ask them how their adopted child is different from the others. They look at me quizically and say they aren't any different. "So, why make the distinction? Is she any less yours?" I watch the lightbulb go off. When it comes up, which is rare, I tell people my sister was adopted on May 3rd, 1980. She was adopted that day, and from then on she has been my sister..period. She doesn't remain adopted forever. She mine.

I too punched a few neighborhood kids when they made nasty cracks about her. Obviously due to talk from their parents. As I got older I replied similarly to Cant. "Well, she was hand-picked by her parents. Yours are just stuck with you." I used to say that to my sister about myself when she was feeling badly about what a kid at school had said.

I also agree with the separation from the SIL. It seems scary and severe, but it is the best way to protect your family. It was 5 years before my father visited his own mother. She was very harsh during the first family renuion we went to in 1980. It wasn't until she lost her husband that she had some epiphany. We had 4 great years with her to erase the 5 bad.

It's such a suprise to me to hear, after all these years, and with adoption becoming so common, that there are people who feel like this. I have three girls and I don't see any dynamic between them that is any different from my sister and I. It makes you want punch someone in the head...heehee.

I will say prayers for your family and their healing. Love is so grand, why limit it to blood?