[tracyp]

I am sitting here at my laptop...in front of the TV...one of my favourite shows is on...my little pup Brandy is snuggled in close...my husband is asleep on the couch...and the tears are rolling down my face.

I suffer from depression, anxiety and some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I don't know why I'm crying right now, I mean nothing specific...just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. I am trying to cry quietly so my husband won't wake up and ask me the same old thing..."NOW,what's wrong??" He trys, he is a good man, but he always uses the word NOW...like something specific must have happened to get me upset. It usually isn't anything specific...it would be almost a relief if it could be something specific, but it's not, it rarely is. Just this overwhelming feeling...sadness, darkness, hopelessness, loneliness. I am so tired of feeling this way, just so darn tired. I am on meds, tried several ones...used to see a psychologist, but we moved and there aren't any near here, but we couldn't afford it anymore anyway. Have seen some pyschiatrists, family doctor, doesn't help. Nobody has time for this pain of mine, my husband doesn't like to deal with it...asks his question and then is silent. My two sons (who are great young men for the most part) are busy with their own lives, one suffers with his own depression and the other has dealt with this with me for so long, that he just doesn't or can't deal with it anymore. My wonderful sister, has her own busy life, her own issues and has told me numerous times that if she thinks I am getting to the point where there is no return for me, then she will pull her little ones (niece and nephew, 6 and 3, who I love dearly and am extremely close to) out of my life so they won't have to go through what her and I went through...our mother committed suicide 18 years ago, when she was 17 and I was 26. So I can't talk to her. My brother is non-existant in my life and doesn't want to deal with "all the drama" and "crying crap". My dad passed away a year ago from pancreatic cancer...he was gone 3 weeks after diagnosis. Why would anyone want to deal with me and what I feel and go through?? No one knows how to deal with this...what to say, what to do, how to help...there is no way to help, it is hopeless. So I sit here alone and cry to myself. I have learned to cry quietly and alone...to go out of the room or outside when it overtakes me, so that nobody will know. No one wants to deals with this anymore. I know it is alot to live with someone who suffers this way...but it is even harder being the one suffering from it. I am so alone. I am so down. I am lost. I don't know why I am writing this in here...reaching out, am I so pitiful that I am resorting to reaching out to strangers?? I have no one. I am so tired of this. I made a promise to myself when my mother killed herself that I would never do to my boys what my mother did to me...I refuse to break that promise, but it is so hard to keep going, I am always in pain and anquish, I always feel broken, lost, empty, alone...it would be so much easier to just go to sleep and never wake up, but I have to keep going, no matter how bad I feel, no matter how alone I am in my misery. Just keep going, never give up, keep suffering, maybe something will change, maybe I will change, maybe I will suddenly, magically get better and feel happy. I do my best to put on a brave face, but that's all it is...a face.

[April Showers]

Tracy, I know there is light at the end of your dark tunnel. If the medication you are using isn't working for you, call your doctor and ask to try something else. Sometimes it takes several tries to find something that will work. You are definitely not alone in this! Praying for you.

[cherise]

Hugs for you, Tracy and my thoughts are with you. I will hope that you can find some help and overcome this. You are not alone. You are never alone. You may feel lonely at times, but know that you are never alone.

[sheriL]

More hugs coming from over here, praying that you'll find the light at the end of your tunnel.

[chambray]

Tracy,
We are here. We care. There's always someone around. And the beautiful thing is, there are people here who've shared the pain you're feeling. It's good that you want to keep going for your boys.

I believe that depression is a chemical imbalance. It is a disease, like any other disease. And yes, you know it runs in families. If one medication doesn't work for you, there are others. Keep searching, you ARE worth it. Find a doctor who can help you.

And keep posting, we are listening. This is an amazing group of friends, and we always have room for another one. I am going to pray for you, because I know your pain. And I know there are many others here who know it, too. You will see. We won't be strangers for long. Post anytime, day or night, ok?

[mbc72]

Tracy, Hugs and prayers for you

[MLLatscrapgirls]

Tracy, right now you need to hold on tight to that promise you made to your self about not doing this to your own kids.

You are not alone! You matter to a lot of people. You are an important part of this community right here at Scrapgirls.

Reaching out to us is a wonderful thing. It does feel odd sometimes, but I have made such wonderful friends online. We are here 24/7 and we know you through your words and your photos.

There are so many of us who know what you are going through, even if our own experience was different. Keep talking to us, but also keep finding someone you can talk to face to face. Sometimes a stranger is easier, because you have no emotional investment in each other.

Call a church and ask if they know of any support groups for depression. At the very least, you can meet some other people who understand the pain. At the best, they may know of new medications and some doctors or places you can try. Just don't give up until you can get some help. Most pastors have some training as well, and usually don't charge.

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers tonight. I just wish I could sit next to you and hold you while you cry. Please let us know how you are doing.

Marylou

[StephRN]

Tracy, I'm so glad you have reached out to us. We are here. Even when you feel like you're alone, you are not. I urge you to seek a referral to someone who deals with multi-axis diagnoses. One who is aggressive at combining meds and modalities. And pls, pls ask for assistance finding a support group. Most are free.

Come back here whenever you need to and know we care.

[BarbaraC1977]

Tracy, I am so sorry you are suffering this way.

First, please know that we are praying for you, and we are here to listen. Don't ever feel you can't talk with us--we're here.

Second, try to ask around, perhaps at church, or other parts of your community, and find another doctor, as Cathy suggested. Some family doctors are great treating depression or anxiety. Others aren't that skilled, or caring or patient. You deserve one who will listen, and has the skills to treat YOU. I was lucky that my doctor found the right medications for me fairly quickly. Our teenage son struggled for years, then his pediatrician moved away, the next was ok, but is now a hospitalist. We finally have a doctor who is very good for him, and guess what--he's on the same medication as me, although significantly different dosage. The doctor said, if it works for her, it may work for her children due to genetics (the other doctors had ignored our requests to try it.) Amazing.

There may be other groups in your community who will lend an ear or a helping hand. Please try to find them, and connect so that you have an option to get their help.

Getting help for yourself is important for you, but it's also important because your sons may need this same help some day. Keep trying to move forward. We'll be here, listening with you and praying for you and your family!

[A-M]

Tracy
No wonder you are in the situation you are. How hard to deal with losing your mother like that and now no Dad to turn to.

I pray for you and please seek help... do not do this on your own. See a naturopath who can help you with natural things... even a change in diet can help with chemical imbalances. Seek all the help you can.

YOU ARE SPECIAL..... there is no other you in this world... so don't go wanting to leave this world before your time. ( This is something I came to realise recently during some down time ... my emotions are very up and down lately.)

[KFiasco]

Tracy, You have been given some good advice here. Just know that there is always someone here who understands and cares about you. Keep reaching out and you will find the help that you need.

[Sara Arell]

Tracy,
You are so not alone in this - so many of us right here on SG would tell you that they have been through similar situations and have felt the way you are feeling - you NEED to see a doctor and get the right meds - there IS help for you out there - I fight depression all the time and I hate it - but I am determined to win - I can never quite put my finger on the WHY part either but I know that old man depression is always lurking around the corner in my house just waiting to get me and I just will not allow him to do that. I went through it once before and it was so awful and I just can't let that happen again. Please, please find a doctor and go and talk and get yourself on the right meds - with your family history it is very important that you do this. And then sit down and talk to your husband and tell him just what you have told us - men don't always get it, but if you can just tell him the way you told us, I think he might see it in a different light. I could not do it without my dh - he knows - and he knows that I can't always tell him why - because I don't know why. I have everything I could possibly want - but my biggest support comes from my husband - but I had to sit down and talk to him and tell him and as crazy as it sounds, he still doesn't understand, but he does support me when I start to feel that way. Let him go to the doctor with you - having the doctor explain depression may help him as well.
BUT we are all here for you and anytime you need a shoulder, you just jump right on here and vent - we are here to listen and to help if we can - SG prayers are powerful and after reading your post I know that there are many headed your way including mine.
Love and Hugs,
Sara

[Burnsie]

Tracy, you are not alone. We are here for you. I encourage you to see your doctor or another health professional. Don't give up on yourself! You are a precious human being that deserves to live a happy life! Please keep us posted, we care about you very much!

[Peppi]

Tracy, yes, you are NOT alone. We are here for you. We care, you don't have to put a face on. Please get some help from a doctor. There is medication for depressions, until you find the one that is good for you, hang in there. You are precious and you are loved. And besides consulting a doctor, a church? They have all kind of support groups! You need someone to talk to. We are here for you and listen! Hugs!

[elibar]

Just keep talking. Human contact is the most important thing. You can talk here - some are equipped by experience to understand, some of us can just offer a listening ear.

However, perhaps you can call a depression hotline to speak to someone who is equipped to listen and help. With help, you could feel better tomorrow. And the next day.

My prayers are with you, Tracy.

[elibar]

Both Ro's muse in the Newslettertoday and my daily email devotion spoke to the feeling being alone, and God's presence.
Here's an exerpt of my devotion - lyrics to a song about Hagar, when she ran away, "And when she found herself seemingly alone in the desert, God sought her out and called her by name. Stunned that the God of the universe cared to comfort her, Hagar responded by giving God a new name...El Roi...'The One who sees me.' ."

The One Who Sees Me
By Gwen Smith and Brad Bailey

No matter where I am, Lord, You see me
No matter where I've been, You've been there, too

And even in the times I feel abandoned and alone
You hold me like a child and draw me close to You

I lift my eyes to the One who sees me
No matter where I am
No matter where I am
I lift my soul to the One who lifts me
With a loving hand
With a loving hand
No matter where I am I'm turning to
The One who sees me

No matter what I say, Lord, You hear me
No matter where I go, You're by my side

And even in the times I feel exhausted and unheard
You love me with Your words, passionate and kind

Even my darkest place is illuminated by Your grace
I am so amazed

[catinkeri]

Tracy, everyone has already said it so well. But I will repeat one thing - you are NOT ALONE! You are LOVED!

[angelaNussbaum]

Oh Tracey!!!

I myself sunk into a severe depression this year, and am still experiancing it off and on. Financial situation, location and all that is a factor also, I live about 20 miles from any real city. To get some help finally, i approached the woman who is the director for the Womans Ministry at my church. Because of her help, her love, her encouragement, i have come a long way. Please seek out someone at your church. They are equiped also to help you!!

HUGS, and Lots of LOVE because you ARE LOVED

Angela N.

[CRS]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending you big hugs!!

[RosemaryS]

Sending you my prayers and love Tracy! Women are all so fragile and sensitive and I believe we feel things so deeply that sometimes we don't understand all that we are going through. There is hope and there is a tomorrow that can be better. Keep on praying and getting through one day at a time. Your heavenly father is there listening and holding you in his arms. I pray you will feel His loving arms around you and sustaining you through this time. Hopefully, and prayerfully, your dh will come to understand and be able to support you as well. I pray you will find someone close by who can be a great friend to you too. It does help to talk to someone face to face as well as keeping on reaching out to all of your sg friends. It's so nice to be able to share with everyone here. I care and so do many others. Don't give up and don't give in.......there are BETTER days ahead.

[Julie - scrapaholic]

First here is a big :bighug:for you. You are not alone. It wasn't that long ago, that I posted about my depression here. I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and prayers that I received. Just knowing I wasn't alone helped. I completely know what you mean, but just sitting and crying and having no real reason why. To be honest, that still happens to me every once in a while. Do you get to have any time for yourself? I mean away from husband and kids? Try to find even an hour to do something for you. Even if that is just taking a good book, finding a quiet spot and just reading. Also, get outside, everyday. The sunlight and fresh air really helps the depression. That is a scientific fact. And talk, don't hold back. If your husband doesn't want to talk, then come here and talk. We will listen without asking NOW. Know that you are not alone and were here. Keeping you in my prayers.

[Scrapin Pat]

Tracy - you already have some very good advice here and a multitude of support that I add my voice to. You might try looking at NAMI's web site. There are many local chapters that provide support groups. There may be one near you. I also am a great believer in affirmations ... feeding myself positive thoughts. Sometimes when it feels like you can't even think about the next step this one helps:

Courage doesn't always roar
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying:
"I will try again tomorrow"
I am Courageous.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[JoannB]

Tracy,

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to strangers -- don't even entertain the thought of "have I sunk this low that I have to cry to people on a message board" even ENTER your head! The really great thing about a message board is that when you type out what you are feeling, there is healing in the simple fact that you are putting your words on a page - you are expressing them.

Anyway, there has been lots of great advice given -- I can't add to it. But, I can give you a great big virtual HUG. I don't have depression, nor do I really understand it myself. Your description of how you feel was very eye-opening. I've never really thought of it that way. I know people who fight depression, and when you don't have it, it really IS hard to understand. Thank you for putting yourself out here, and letting me have a glimpse into your world.

I hope that you can find a resource that REALLY works for you. You deserve happiness, and your sweet family deserves to have the REAL you back.

Hang in there!! You can do this!

[lorac]

Tracy, just adding my love and prayers to everyone elses. I too have suffered from both stress and depression, and still feel overwhelmed at times. I know how hard it can be, especially when you feel that there is no one to turn to or talk to. I too feel like you and just sit there and the tears roll down my cheeks. No logical explanation, I just feel horrible, alone, in pain, etc. I find comfort in sleep. I force myself to get up and out. We need the sun and fresh air in our faces to make us feel alive and at one with the universe.

I am sending you my love and my prayers are being offered up to St. Jude for you and your family. There is not much I can add, except to say that we are all here for you and that we love you.

[tracyp]

lorac, on 29 September 2009 - 09:30 AM, said:

Tracy, just adding my love and prayers to everyone elses. I too have suffered from both stress and depression, and still feel overwhelmed at times. I know how hard it can be, especially when you feel that there is no one to turn to or talk to. I too feel like you and just sit there and the tears roll down my cheeks. No logical explanation, I just feel horrible, alone, in pain, etc. I find comfort in sleep. I force myself to get up and out. We need the sun and fresh air in our faces to make us feel alive and at one with the universe.

I am sending you my love and my prayers are being offered up to St. Jude for you and your family. There is not much I can add, except to say that we are all here for you and that we love you.

I always have known that I am not the only one who feels this way, but it is always comforting to hear that I am not alone. Sometimes I find comfort in sleep, usually only if I take a sleeping pill, but unfortunately I suffer from horrible nightmares, have since I was a young child...so there is not much relief there. No nightmares if I take a pill. Yes, sometimes just being outside helps for a bit. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and I am sorry you are suffering from this too. Tracy

[varanda]

So many wise words here for you, dear one. I hope you find solace in them and that you find the help you need, knowing we are here and do care very much. Please keep us posted.

[tracyp]

Julie - scrapaholic, on 29 September 2009 - 09:08 AM, said:

First here is a big :bighug:for you. You are not alone. It wasn't that long ago, that I posted about my depression here. I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and prayers that I received. Just knowing I wasn't alone helped. I completely know what you mean, but just sitting and crying and having no real reason why. To be honest, that still happens to me every once in a while. Do you get to have any time for yourself? I mean away from husband and kids? Try to find even an hour to do something for you. Even if that is just taking a good book, finding a quiet spot and just reading. Also, get outside, everyday. The sunlight and fresh air really helps the depression. That is a scientific fact. And talk, don't hold back. If your husband doesn't want to talk, then come here and talk. We will listen without asking NOW. Know that you are not alone and were here. Keeping you in my prayers.

Thank you for your words of encouragement...I truly did not think I would receive the outpouring of kindnes that was given. Yes, I have way too much time alone...I am better when my sons are here or if I am at their house (they bought a house together a year ago) or at my sisters or if she is here with her family. My husband is a wonderful man, but he is not a talker and is very quiet and as much as I love him...he is not enough, I hate saying that but it's true. I need my sons, they were too much my whole world for too long and I don't know how to be without them. thanks again for your kindness. Tracy

[tracyp]

Sara Arell, on 29 September 2009 - 05:50 AM, said:

Tracy,
You are so not alone in this - so many of us right here on SG would tell you that they have been through similar situations and have felt the way you are feeling - you NEED to see a doctor and get the right meds - there IS help for you out there - I fight depression all the time and I hate it - but I am determined to win - I can never quite put my finger on the WHY part either but I know that old man depression is always lurking around the corner in my house just waiting to get me and I just will not allow him to do that. I went through it once before and it was so awful and I just can't let that happen again. Please, please find a doctor and go and talk and get yourself on the right meds - with your family history it is very important that you do this. And then sit down and talk to your husband and tell him just what you have told us - men don't always get it, but if you can just tell him the way you told us, I think he might see it in a different light. I could not do it without my dh - he knows - and he knows that I can't always tell him why - because I don't know why. I have everything I could possibly want - but my biggest support comes from my husband - but I had to sit down and talk to him and tell him and as crazy as it sounds, he still doesn't understand, but he does support me when I start to feel that way. Let him go to the doctor with you - having the doctor explain depression may help him as well.
BUT we are all here for you and anytime you need a shoulder, you just jump right on here and vent - we are here to listen and to help if we can - SG prayers are powerful and after reading your post I know that there are many headed your way including mine.
Love and Hugs,
Sara

You put it so well - that depression is always lurking around the corner. When my boys are here for a visit or after I've been to see them, it is not as bad, I can tolerate it and even get some joy out of life...but then they go home or I go home, and it hits even harder after a visit with them. The emptiness just swallows me up. I have tried numerous times to talk to my husband, but he just doesn't understand it - he is of the mind that you can just get over it. He tries but he doesn't know what to do or how to help. Thank you for your encouragement and sharing yourself. Tracy

[tracyp]

RosemaryS, on 29 September 2009 - 08:17 AM, said:

Sending you my prayers and love Tracy! Women are all so fragile and sensitive and I believe we feel things so deeply that sometimes we don't understand all that we are going through. There is hope and there is a tomorrow that can be better. Keep on praying and getting through one day at a time. Your heavenly father is there listening and holding you in his arms. I pray you will feel His loving arms around you and sustaining you through this time. Hopefully, and prayerfully, your dh will come to understand and be able to support you as well. I pray you will find someone close by who can be a great friend to you too. It does help to talk to someone face to face as well as keeping on reaching out to all of your sg friends. It's so nice to be able to share with everyone here. I care and so do many others. Don't give up and don't give in.......there are BETTER days ahead.

Thank you Rosemary. I appreciate your kind words and I enjoyed our little message chats last spring. I have a hard time making friends, insecurity, the depression, hard to trust people, shy...but I have found the "virtual world" a little easier. It's like at a store or something, I sometimes find myself trying to start a conversation with a stranger just for the human contact. I keep trying, I can't give up...I actually have a stone coaster I bought myself that is on the nighttable beside my bed, it says 'NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP" I read it every night. I also bought one for my husband that says 'IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME, I'M GOING WITH YOU." And I mean it. I do love him and I know he loves me, I just wish he could be here for me more. Thanks again, your compassion is so appreciated. Tracy

[brandiev]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so crappy. Please know you are loved and NEVER alone. (really wishing I could give you a hug right now)