[tracyp]

A little brighter day yesterday...tried to keep busy, did some house cleaning, watched some tv shows, no scrapping...mojo gone for now, but it always comes back as it helps me feel my emotions. Talked to my oldest son yesterday, he is coming up this weekend with his dog and my other sons 2 dogs...other son is away for a week fishing in Newfoundland with his buddies. My older son is the one who also suffers from depression, anxieties and OCD a bit. I cringe to sometimes share my hard times with him as I worry it will make him spiral down...sometimes our depressions make eachother worse due to worrying about eachother. Anyway, he wasn't going to come this weekend as he had planned but I came right out asked him to please come still, that I needed it, that I wasn't doing well right now. So he's coming...because he loves me ( and a little bit of guilt and worry I'm sure). Do I feel bad for guilting him into it? Yes and no. Yes, because he works hard all week and it's a long drive here (3 and 1/2 hours each way with good traffic) and no, because I need him here with me. He says we are going to take the dogs (his one, his brothers 2 and my 2) for a good long walk in the woods - he loves the outdoors (and I actually do too when I'm not in my dark hole), he's an arborist and spends everyday outside up in trees - trimming, securing and removing them, storm damage removals, etc. He truly loves his job, which gives my heart some comfort for him - it is so good for him to able to get up in the morning and look forward to going to work. So, hopefully this weekend will be good. Unfortunately, after visits with my family, it usually brings me back down for a few days...it's just so quiet when they are gone and I miss them so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm bi-polar??
Haven't made the call to my NP yet, keep putting it off...another side effect of depression - procrastination. Doesn't seem like a big thing to do, call and make an appointment, but it feels like it is - small things can feel like huge tasks or obstacles. Like even just getting dressed in the morning can be a huge task that I put off many days - just stay in my pj's...why get dressed?? Not going anywhere, nobody coming over, just makes more laundry. Another symptom/side effect of depression. Lack of desire to do anything at all - big or small.
My husband and I talked last night, I cried a lot, I actually read him what I wrote here (one of you had mentioned telling him just like I wrote it here, so I read it to him) and I read to him some of your replies. He admitted not knowing what to do to help me, that it makes him hurt and feel angry that he can't help me and make me better. He told me he needs me and that I should focus on what is in my life everyday and try to find the joy in it. I do try, but sometimes (a lot of times actually) it is so hard to find happiness in anything, even things that make me happy when I'm not buried deep in these awful feelings. He also told me that I have high expectations of the people I love who love me, like our sons, my sister and even him. That I build up all these expectations before they get here for visits or before I go down to visit, and that there is no possible way for the visits to ever match my huge expectations and hopes - that I set myself up to be let down, because I have impossible hopes for our time together. He is probably right, I get all these hopes, wishes, thoughts about the time we'll have together and then it doesn't happen. I mean the visits are always good, they just don't live up to these incredibly high hopes I force on myself. Plus, I just wish so bad that they never have to leave. If my sons told me, we're moving back home...I would be head over heels happy(for a little while anyway)! Some of you will be thinking...she's nuts!! I'm supposed to enjoy being an empty-nester, but I don't. But then, if they were living back with me, it isn't the cure either...having them live with me, would give me more worries, more anxiety, more stress...what I don't see of their day to day lives can't hurt me or upset me or make me nervous or worried or anything like that, so it is probably better that I'm not with them every day. Even small everyday things/problems are HUGE - like one of them being late for work (I worry all about if their jobs are in jeopardy from it and they are extremely rarely late), or do they have a lunch, got a flat tire, everytime it rains up here, I worry if their basement is flooding again...it stays on my mind all day and I worry over it horribly until I can call them that evening to find out if their basement is okay, who's checking on their dogs, everything and anything is huge. Especially my older one who suffers as I do...we tend to feed off eachothers pain and anxiety and depressions...so not seeing eachother's daily struggles (and even everyday small little events) is actually better for us. I JUST MISS THEM SO MUCH.
So bottom line today...looking forward to Tyler coming this weekend, doing some errands with my husband this afternoon so that will help me keep busy, still have to get dressed though and cleaned up...so a bit of light in my day today, trying to be positive. Thanks again for welcoming my ramblings here...getting the words out of my mind seems to give a bit of temporary relief. Will think about calling my nurse practitioner today. Tracy

[mbc72]

Have a great visit with your son!

[elibar]

I pray for the best for you, Tracy. Keep the hope that it will get better.

[CRS]

Thanks for the updates! I've been thinking and praying about you. Enjoy the weekend with your son and the dogs. Animals can be so theraputic!

[Sarah in VA]

Tracy, I'm glad your day is a bit brighter today. In reading through your post, I was reminded of something I was once told: "In order manage your disappointments, you must limit your expectations."

I know, a lot easier said than done, but it has eventually helped! I first began at holiday times, but now I almost always automatically apply it to everything.

Glad to know you have plans. I think that is so important!

I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[RosemaryS]

Hi Tracy, so glad you're feeling a bit of happiness today! Just take each day at a time! I'm also happy you shared with your dh. He's so right about enjoying your time and now he know's how you're feeling. Make sure you take time to enjoy the time you're with him too! When he's there, why not try to find something you can do together. I hope you have a great weekend with your son. Walking is good for you too.

[StephRN]

Tracy, Sarah's words of wisdom are the same as mine. I also have very high expectations. They almost always backfire. Now I ask myself; "who is this person to me" and "who am I being so they will know that".

For example, when I talk with my mom, who she is for me is...someone I love, someone with her own life & trials, someone who is worthy of my patience and caring. Now that I have clarified who she is for me in that moment, I can decide "who am I being so she will have that experience with me". What usually comes out for me is that I am being loving, patient, a good listener, non-judgemental and really, really tolerant. Sometimes in order to be those things, I just have to silence the critic in my head and be patiently silent too.

And I'm far from perfect. I frequently slip back into my judgemental self and I have to remind myself to continue being what I decided to be. I apologize when that happens and continue on with my original plan.

My relationship with my mother and my xDH are miles better today than they were 3 years ago from simply asking myself this question many times a day. When I first started doing this I tried to remind myself every hour who I am being.

And honestly, when I'm very upset, the best answer I can give myself is "he is someone to listen to and be silent around" and who I'm being is "patient and silent". Sometimes that's the best I can do. It sure beats "he's a jerk" and "I'm a raging madwoman" LOL.

There are many strategies you can use. I once saw a self-help show and the host used the technique of asking herself 3 questions before she would speak...."is it true", "is it kind" and "is it necessary". If she couldn't say yes to two of the three, she didn't utter it.

Just some thoughts to get you through this visit with your son. I think you will be amazed at how easily it becomes a positive habit and how nicely people respond to you.

Hugs,