[Becca]

My brother called today, asking me for some of our dad's things that may have been left to me. I didn't have what he was looking for, and the conversation got around to some of the genealogy that our dad was doing before he passed away. I mentioned that I really wish I had some of this stuff... the scrapbooker that I am...

My brother said I may not want it as bad as I think I do. And he told me a bit about a dark family secret. He's right... I was better off NOT knowing this information. But now I do.

Have you ever documented something in your heritage scrapbooks about a dark family secret? Or do you let the secret die? My grandparents are gone, my father is gone. For all that my brother knows, the only people who know this are myself, him, and my dad's brother. Well, and now my husband, too...

[Ro]

I think that if there isn't a good reason for the information to be passed down, I'd let it die. Bad behavior isn't like a genetic disease in which the information needs to be known for health reasons.

Really... what good did it do that your brother told you about it? Knowing who your ancestors are is different than knowing all of their dirty laundry.

[sunnie2004]

let it die Becca ............ Ro said it best....... and with that I say leave it where it is now .........no further

[PBarnes]

That is a tough question Becca and I think Ro gave a really good answer. I think I would let it die too.

[teecee]

I agree with Ro, Caren and Pat. If it was me, I think I would just let it go.

[Becca]

Ro, on 06 May 2010 - 05:20 PM, said:

I think that if there isn't a good reason for the information to be passed down, I'd let it die. Bad behavior isn't like a genetic disease in which the information needs to be known for health reasons.

Really... what good did it do that your brother told you about it? Knowing who your ancestors are is different than knowing all of their dirty laundry.

This makes complete sense. I'm just afraid of even the "who they are" is just as much a part of the secret.

Guess I could just put off that side of the family for a long, long LONG time.

[HeidiD]

I think I probably would document these things, up to a point. It really does depend on how comfortable you are with it, but here are a few things to think about:

Bad behavior isn't a genetic disease, but its effects do influence the generations that go after. Sometimes more than we can fully realize at the time of the behavior.

Also, we are just now coming into an understanding of genes and how much they can influence behavior. What if years down the line we learn that the dark secret may have been something that could have been influenced by genetics, and it's showing up again in a current generation? For example, up until fairly recently, alcoholism was considered something somebody could simply "get over," but now we are truly starting to realize just how much genetics really do influence that addictive behavior.

We humans are social animals. We learn from each other. Where best to learn cautionary examples than in your own family history, where it may have affected you and/or those you love personally?

Our ancestors were not saints, they were human, with their own trials, mistakes, and yes, bad deeds. I have never believed in deifying the dead, and feel that telling a full story of someone's life can truly honor who they were, what they overcame, and how it affected those around them. For instance, if you hide the fact that your grandfather liked to "play around," then you minimize the impact it had on his wife, your grandmother, and their marriage to each other, what it says about that kind of behavior in those times, and perhaps, even how much they ultimately loved each other to put up with that kind of nonsense. Now, I'm just making up an example, but there are two sides to every story and not telling the one darker side means you can't tell the other, possibly more heroic, praiseworthy, etc. side.

If things were truly horrific, somebody down the line may be in a situation to make amends or reparations to help fix what had happened. If the story is lost, that possibility is lost also.

Now, I'm not saying you should scrapbook this and put it in an online gallery or even an album at home for everybody to see, but consider taking the information and preserving it in a way that will make it accessible to future generations if needed. You can always "lose" information later, but once "lost," it can't be recovered.

Just some thoughts! PM me if you want.

[Sara Arell]

Very well said, Heidi

My Mom kept a secret from us for our entire lives - it was just personal to her - a few days after she died, we found her adoption papers! Talk about surprise! We asked my Dad about it and he said that yes, he knew - that Mama told him about it when they got married and told him that she never wanted to talk about it again - that she considered my Grandparents who were her adoptive parents to be her REAL parents - Daddy did say that the family from which she came was pretty bad - there were many siblings and life was not what it was supposed to be in their home - that's pretty much all he knew. My sister was very anxious to find out all she could about it but she wanted me to do the research and quite frankly, I was not interested. I felt that if it meant that much to my Mom to keep it from us all those years, then it was going to be left as she wished. But that was my decision based on the fact that we were then foster parents and adoptive parents and I know only too well what some family histories can have buried in them.

Genetically, I would like to know just for health reasons - but other than that I really don't care. What bothers me is that my Mom didn't entrust us with her secret - and now, now, I just have put it all away - but that's my choice.

I think Heidi had some good ideas - I think it would be good just for you to have Becca - not to scrap - I agree with Heidi's way of approaching it, but in the end, it's all in how you, Becca, feel and what you want to do with this information.

In the end, no matter what - YOU ARE BECCA and whatever this bad family history is - you sure turned out well! So.......my two cents!

[Becca]

These are all such very good points.

Especially since I'm the mother of a child with a genetic disorder. No one in our families had any inkling of that disorder in family history. But you can bet it's been documented in my scrapbooks.

[CRS]

I say sleep on it and see what you think in the morning. That's how I make a lot of my decisions. Good luck with your decision.

[Sara Arell]

Or, Carla, she could stay up all night and worry about it like I do! Just kidding - I wouldn't wish that on anyone! It just makes everything seem worse but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it - I think I must be part owl.........

[Smiles]

Carla has a good point. You don't have to decide right away. Not knowing the information, and not being in your shoes, I don't know what decision I would make.
Whatever decision you make, it will be a good one.
hugs, Gayle

[Sarah in VA]

Becca, you don't have to do anything about it today, or tomorrow, for that matter. Let it go for a while. Revisit it in maybe a year or so and see how you feel then. You must be comfortable with what you record. Whatever it is may lost its importance, or, on the other hand, it may prove to be relevant. Only you will know.

Trust yourself. Give it, and yourself time.

[Sarah in VA]

Oh goodness, I just can't leave this alone! I think it depends on how many generations ago the bad behavior occurred! And how many present generations this information will effect and to what degree.

At one time I came across some information about my paternal grandmother and her brothers that was really very bad behavior, but yet colorful. And it so described the events of the early years in the development of our county, I eventually decided to include it in our family history.

Only you can decide whether this information helped shape, or added to the history of your family or location, or is best left undisclosed.

[bjc]

i think heidi made some excellent points for you to give thought to.... also just because you scrap/journal/preserve in some way this info doenst mean you have to have this out in the open... let say you decided to do a journaling type page... you have it on your computer and you can still think about whether you would share it.... it is like a step at a time... i think you will know what is best for you and your family and it may just take some time....i would guess that since this is about your dad it is a closer relationship than if it was a more distant relative.... other family members will be more removed and just may see this as something "colorful" and maybe the human side of their relatives...just a thought...

[Heatheranne]

I agree with Heidi... I remember a course that I was taking and we had to write a paper on whether we believed that behaviour was passed on through genes or was a reflection of family and social influences. At the time, I said that I believed that it was from social influences - I was very young. Since then, from what I've seen, I believe that it is inherited and social influences can affect how it is presented.

If it were me, I would preserve it. I like the suggestion of keeping it on the computer and deciding later, whether to add it into a family tree or journaling page. You could have the file, password protected or buried in files that no one would think of opening. Leave the file to someone in your will, if you haven't attended to it any further by then. It may open too many wounds at this time for some, but could be of great assistance to future generations, in understanding some things. :-)

[countrydi]

Everyone has given great advice. The only thing I can say is pray about it and go with your heart!

[Cheri T]

I think it depends on what the knowledge is...if there was a non-violent train robber in my past, I might journal about that. (Maybe)
I have actually journaled about my dad, who is a recovering alcoholic, and how proud I am that he quit and has stayed quit for 18.5 years now.
When my dad had cancer surgery, he requested that Mom take a picture of his swollen face after the surgery so he could look back later and see how much he had improved...I put that behind a hinged piece of journaling on a paper page, so it's hidden, but accessible.
So I think whatever you decide is going to be right for you and your family, and if you decide to put "sensitive" information in the book, you could design it in a way that requires a person to open an envelope, open a hinged journaling piece, etc, rather than just having it "out there" for everyone to see and read.
*hugs*

[StephRN]

Becca, I like Heidi's point of view; along with the suggestion to let it fallow for awhile and see what insight comes with time.

I would also like to point out that information about a bad event (or string of events) doesn't tell the whole story. Whatever occurred, the story isn't complete until someone can stand in another's shoes. It has been my experience that people make decisions based on reasons and emotions. Those reasons & emotions may not make sense to someone else. But it makes perfect sense to the person making the decision.

As a nurse I've discovered that things are rarely as they appear. The report we receive on patients as they role into the ICU is hardly full and complete. It does not reflect the struggles of being human. Being with their loved ones and hearing all sides makes a kinder, more complete and humane version of things that initially sounded very black-and-white.

No matter what the information, it does not reflect on you. It does not determine who you are or who your family chooses to be.

[catinkeri]

Becca - what a wonderful array of great advice you have here. If I were to put down all of the 'not right' stuff in my life I would probably have a horror trilogy - or fourology!! LMBO. I did put some of my personal stuff down on my website, but left SO MUCH of it out. My DH asked why I felt it necessary and I explained to him how cathartic it was doing it. However, I did think about it long and hard before I did it - the repercussions for everyone else, not just me. In the end though - it's what you can live with and how you can handle it.
Big hugs!! And good luck!!

[KBT]

This is a very interesting conversation Becca. I know that there are some things in my family history that are not stellar... quite a few in fact! lol and especially by the standards for the day... I have not put them in pages but as I get into doing a heritage album am wondering what to include. I guess for me its how to include it... Also, if the events you have learned about still pertain to people around you, you may want to get their side of the story too so that a scrapbook page turning up some day is not a surprise either Its amazing how perspective changes over time. I guess the one thing that keeps going through my head is...

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

CITES: George Santayana, The Life of Reason or The Phases of Human Progress: Reason in Common Sense 284 (2nd ed., Charles Scribner's Sons, New York, New York 1924)

[MaryJo]

What a great question Becca! My dh's family has quite the notorious past and I have wanted to scrap it but like Kim, I'm not sure how to begin. Its quite funny now but at the time, it was worthy of a hanging, let me correct myself not funny ha ha, but "why on earth would they do that? So its a delicate issue in the family. The issue is well documented so that wouldn't be the problem! I'm going to watch this thread to see what the others have to say! Thanks for sharing

[Keri S]

Life truly is surprising, isn't it? I wish I had some good advice to offer but I do really like what Steph said. I agree that everyone has a story and the choices people make are greatly affected by that story.
I think it would be amazing to learn about the story itself and leave the behavior and choices in God's hands. You may find an incredible depth and perspective that could have the potential to change your own life in various ways.
Ultimately, you have to do what makes you the most comfortable and I like that others have said to give it some time. Let it sink in and see how you feel down the road a little. I hope for you that this is a door to life and understanding and not as much pain as you expect.

[Julie - scrapaholic]

I have to agree with Ro. Let it go and leave it totally in the past to be someday forgotten.

[HeidiD]

You know, Becca, I thought about this some more, and I really like the idea of not always knowing the whole story behind a behavior. There may have been reasons - good, honorable reasons - for doing what was done. We just can't know because we weren't them in that time and place. I'm sure it was very different from where you are now.

Perhaps, if you do choose to document this, you may wish to include some of these questions you have about what happened. Things like, "Why was this done?" or, "How could this person have made this choice?" or, "How did this person's family or friends feel about this choice?" or even, "What would it have taken for me to have made the same choices?"

There may be much more there than meets the eye. And in any case, it will at least be a good soul-searching experiment for you to leave for your descendants.

[Jenna]

great thoughts here - just wanted to add my point of view to the mix.

I say that if there is no benefit to revealing/preserving this info then I agree with Ro. But sometimes bad behavior is a springboard to a great story about someone's growth, perserverence, or journey. For instance, my mom has a horrible past - things done to her by her mother that would seem to some better off never told. But if I never told these things, the person my mom is today wouldn't seem so amazing. She is amazing no matter what, but to know what she came from, what she has been through, & the spiritual side of her journey is a lesson for me. While it hurt to learn of these things, I have learned so much about my mom & in turn about me that I value the preservation of the info. I also want to point out that it isn't to villify the "wrongdoer" - just as a way to understand family dynamics.

Bryan has some similar history in that he is related to Frank & Jesse James & his grandfather had ties to the mob. That led to a lot of things that happened with his mom & her siblings that we'd never understand if we didn't know about the mob - so it can lend context to certain things too.

Whatever you decide, pray about it, think on it, & it will come to you. There's no rush!

[Molly3]

I wish you don't know about it.

[SandiC.]

How on earth did I miss this thread the first time around? Very interesting points of view. My family has their share of "black sheep" and secrets and as an adult, after both my parents were gone, I learned a secret about them. At first it didn't seem so important, they were both gone. but then about 20 years after that, the knowledge I had started gnawing away at me. With the help a a talented counselor, and 6 sessions later I made peace with my parent's actions and can now love their memories again. I suspect that pretty much all families have the dark parts of their history and the parties involved deal with in the best way they can as it happens, but that can leave a trail of damage down the generations. Even notoriously bad people had families that loved them. I do think the story needs to be preserved, but that doesn't necessarily mean as a beautiful LO in the family album. I think that while we scrap the good and the bad, we are looking at the good for the most part. But the bad is part of the reality and how can we move forward if we don't accept the bad, learn from it, and know we are all vulnerable to circumstances that lead us to bad decisions and wrong-doing. And for some things scrapping the bad is very therapeutic. It doesn't have to be for display, and a little at a time is fine too. But writing about your feelings about what you find out can be very therapeutic.