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Shopping For A Bathing Suit


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#1 Sara Arell

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:14 PM

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)


When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer fatal whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain,
with or without a bathing suit!

:disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie:
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#2 Becster

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:27 PM

:rofl:

This is so true!!!

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#3 teecee

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:47 PM

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Still laughing...

#4 princessrunningfingers

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 05:53 PM

I love it.

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#5 PhotoshopScrapper

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 06:01 PM

Oh Sara ... that one had me rolling on the floor. Toooo funny and sadly true.
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#6 Jenna

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 10:29 PM

yup, been there, done that! LOL too funny!

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#7 luckyladybug

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 11:10 PM

oh my! ROFL! Been there...
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#8 diannecp

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 05:58 AM

so true! who designs these suits? it's almost cruel!
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#9 KFiasco

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 09:45 AM

This is exactly why I haven't even bought a bathing suit since 2005. That one I ordered from Land's End and only wore it once. LOL
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#10 Sara Arell

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 09:50 AM

Cross my fingers and toes - I really am the one in the cutoff shorts and t-shirt on the beach - maybe, maybe, maybe a halter top under the t-shirt! Maybe!!!!!:) :) :)

I went to buy a new pair of jeans for Rich yesterday since he's been working out and has a whole new body image (!) and there too, everything was made for the teenagers - there were baggy jeans and very tight jeans - no normal, run of the mill regular jeans! Sigh...........so it isn't just the bathing suit dilemma - it's everything! LOL
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#11 Cheri T

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 04:49 PM

Especially ROTFL to the "jellyfish in mourning" and the high cut legs and having to wax the eyebrows. I have always HATED suits that have super high cut legs. Just NOT NOT NOT attractive on anyone, no matter the figure.

It isn't just the well-endowed who don't like the lack of cups in the tops...at least when suits had cups (and a bit of padding) I could pretend I had a chest. Alas, now, I just look like a 6 year-old up top;)

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#12 Sara Arell

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 06:12 PM

Especially ROTFL to the "jellyfish in mourning" and the high cut legs and having to wax the eyebrows. I have always HATED suits that have super high cut legs. Just NOT NOT NOT attractive on anyone, no matter the figure.

It isn't just the well-endowed who don't like the lack of cups in the tops...at least when suits had cups (and a bit of padding) I could pretend I had a chest. Alas, now, I just look like a 6 year-old up top;)


I can relate to the tops too, Cheri!
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#13 Belle

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 04:51 AM

This is so funny. If I go near water, it's alway with long shorts and a top. :giggle_bear:

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