Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Sara Arell

Shopping For A Bathing Suit

13 posts in this topic

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)

 

 

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure

was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They

were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

 

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a

figure carved from a potato chip.

 

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the

maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away

looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she

can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make

a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent

rubber bands.

 

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and

entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first

thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch

material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,

by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added

bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would

be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your

passing midriff would immediately suffer fatal whiplash.

 

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder

strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

 

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a

while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my

seventh rib.

 

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature

woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed

bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a

full view assessment.

 

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted

those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out

rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of

Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

 

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the

prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there

you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

 

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of

masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an

oversized napkin in a serving ring.

 

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and

came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having

a rough day.

 

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in

mourning.

 

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I

would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

 

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a

shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,

comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search

had a successful outcome, I figured.

 

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become

transparent in water."

 

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water

this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a

T-shirt!

 

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life

isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain,

with or without a bathing suit!

:disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie: :disappearing-smilie:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

Still laughing...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yup, been there, done that! LOL too funny!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

so true! who designs these suits? it's almost cruel!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is exactly why I haven't even bought a bathing suit since 2005. That one I ordered from Land's End and only wore it once. LOL

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cross my fingers and toes - I really am the one in the cutoff shorts and t-shirt on the beach - maybe, maybe, maybe a halter top under the t-shirt! Maybe!!!!!:) :) :)

 

I went to buy a new pair of jeans for Rich yesterday since he's been working out and has a whole new body image (!) and there too, everything was made for the teenagers - there were baggy jeans and very tight jeans - no normal, run of the mill regular jeans! Sigh...........so it isn't just the bathing suit dilemma - it's everything! LOL

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Especially ROTFL to the "jellyfish in mourning" and the high cut legs and having to wax the eyebrows. I have always HATED suits that have super high cut legs. Just NOT NOT NOT attractive on anyone, no matter the figure.

 

It isn't just the well-endowed who don't like the lack of cups in the tops...at least when suits had cups (and a bit of padding) I could pretend I had a chest. Alas, now, I just look like a 6 year-old up top;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Especially ROTFL to the "jellyfish in mourning" and the high cut legs and having to wax the eyebrows. I have always HATED suits that have super high cut legs. Just NOT NOT NOT attractive on anyone, no matter the figure.

 

It isn't just the well-endowed who don't like the lack of cups in the tops...at least when suits had cups (and a bit of padding) I could pretend I had a chest. Alas, now, I just look like a 6 year-old up top;)

 

I can relate to the tops too, Cheri!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is so funny. If I go near water, it's alway with long shorts and a top. :giggle_bear:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites