[DiannaC]

In my continuing quest to not be so sensitive but also to stand up for myself (which I have a hard time doing), I need some objective advice from my friends here on the forum. This has nothing whatsoever to do with scrapbooking. I come to you because none of you know the people involved and might be able to get me out of my own head and give me perspective. This is my side of a situation that happened today:

I have recently been working on starting my own photography business and therefore doing a lot of marketing on Facebook and among my friends and acquaintances. I constantly feel that I am shoving my new business venture down their throats and I'm very sensitive to not over do it. I post about 3 times a week on Facebook and spend a lot of time dreaming up new ways to drum up business in the coming year which is when I plan to go full steam ahead. Anyway, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out a way to dip my foot in the "senior picture" pool at my local high schools for next year. My daughter is a senior and she's marketing a little, but I wanted to find a way to get addresses to send out a postcard next July to senior families. Today, I found a way I can collect names and addresses and posted on Facebook to see if my friends knew of some current Juniors in the local communities who might be able to help. I then texted by phone one of my very good friends to see if she'd hit the "share" button on her Facebook page because she has 3 times as many friends in the communities that I'm looking for and is constantly on Facebook hereself. This is the second time this year I've asked her specifically to share a link. She texted back: "After Christmas. People are not thinking about this Sh** right now."

Well I was stunned and a little hurt. She's right, in my excitement I didn't consider that I probably will have to wait after the first of year to get going on this." But I thought it was a harsh response. So, I texted back: "Well, you didn't have to be so mean. Sorry I bothered you." her response: "Was I mean?" I wrote: "Well the use of the word sh** was a little harsh." She responded: "that's just me!! "

Okay, she's right again. She can be a little harsh and has always been. I just feel that that comment and lately in the past 6 months or so, she's snapped at me on more than one occasion. At a party in September we were at together, her aunt scolded her when she said something mean to me very loudly at a party so I know its not just me being sensitive. It is the way she is and the way she's always been. I just feel that lately its been worse. I'm not sure that a response of "that's just me" is really a valid excuse for being rude. At what point do I just excuse my friends behavior because "that's just her." I'm afraid that if I let it go she may continue to get worse and she's really hurt my feelings. Am I too sensitive or is she taking advantage of our friendship by expecting me to just take her snappish comments and just let it go because "that's just" her?

Any insights anyone may have would be welcomed. Thank you.

[Sara Arell]

Dianna, I guess if someone responded to me using language like that I would be offended too - tone is hard to read on FB or anywhere we are "chatting" on the internet but just that word would speak volumes to me - so yes, I would be offended and don't think I would contact her again. Just my own personal opinion though. I don't use that kind of language and yes, I am very sensitive to things like that, but methinks she went a little too far. "That's just me" is not a very good excuse at all.


HTH - as i said, just my opinion...........there is no excuse for being that rude.

[CRS]

I don't have any advice, but I hope some people here can help you out. I'll keep you in my prayers!

[NanaB99]

Maybe you should call her and talk to her - friend-to-friend. Hitting the share button on facebook is pretty easy to do which makes me wonder if she is upset about something. Maybe taking directly to her will ease your mind a little - at least you would know for sure where you stand. I can be pretty sensitive myself and know that I've spent hours stewing about something needlessly - only to find out it I blew it out of proportion ... then again, maybe I didn't and it felt good to get it out in the open and talk to them about it. Good Luck with your friend and also with your new business...

[Sara Arell]

I probably shouldn't have made mine sound like advice - really wasn't my intention - I was just thinking about how it would make me feel. Hope you didn't take it the wrong way.

[DiannaC]

Oh Sarah, no worries. I was asking for advice. Imy first thought was to email you directly because you always have such good perspective and advice but I know you have a lot on your plate. Thank you, ladies for all your advice. I feel better about it and may bring it up to her after the holidays anyway. Sometimes just telling someone your side of the story helps a lot. Thanks for your prayers, Carla.

[Sara Arell]

DiannaC, on 22 December 2011 - 05:32 PM, said:

Oh Sarah, no worries. I was asking for advice. Imy first thought was to email you directly because you always have such good perspective and advice but I know you have a lot on your plate. Thank you, ladies for all your advice. I feel better about it and may bring it up to her after the holidays anyway. Sometimes just telling someone your side of the story helps a lot. Thanks for your prayers, Carla.

You're sweet to say so, Dianna - email me anytime - my plate may be full, but my shoulders are broad and my heart always has room in it!

[BarbaraC1977]

Dianne, I believe in being EXTRA-polite in email, FB, and all other electronic formats because the receiver can't tell you're just kidding.

I feel sorry for your friend, that she has such a limited vocabulary with which to express herself. And truthfully, a "No thanks right now." would have taken less time to type, and been WAY less likely to inflict hurt. I think you're friend is kidding herself that "she's just that way" and therefore it's ok. It's never ok to be say things rudely.

Just my two cents.

[jorunswithscissors]

I REALLY LIKED your comment here Sara! -- I think it speaks volumes about what a special person you are!!

Sara Arell, on 22 December 2011 - 05:35 PM, said:

DiannaC, on 22 December 2011 - 05:32 PM, said:

Oh Sarah, no worries. I was asking for advice. Imy first thought was to email you directly because you always have such good perspective and advice but I know you have a lot on your plate. Thank you, ladies for all your advice. I feel better about it and may bring it up to her after the holidays anyway. Sometimes just telling someone your side of the story helps a lot. Thanks for your prayers, Carla.

You're sweet to say so, Dianna - email me anytime - my plate may be full, but my shoulders are broad and my heart always has room in it!

[Sara Arell]

jorunswithscissors, on 22 December 2011 - 07:34 PM, said:

I REALLY LIKED your comment here Sara! -- I think it speaks volumes about what a special person you are!!

Sara Arell, on 22 December 2011 - 05:35 PM, said:

DiannaC, on 22 December 2011 - 05:32 PM, said:

Oh Sarah, no worries. I was asking for advice. Imy first thought was to email you directly because you always have such good perspective and advice but I know you have a lot on your plate. Thank you, ladies for all your advice. I feel better about it and may bring it up to her after the holidays anyway. Sometimes just telling someone your side of the story helps a lot. Thanks for your prayers, Carla.

You're sweet to say so, Dianna - email me anytime - my plate may be full, but my shoulders are broad and my heart always has room in it!

Thank you, Jo - gosh, I'm so flattered - I just can really relate to Dianna's issues - but it was very kind of you to say something so sweet.

[Sara Arell]

BarbaraC1977, on 22 December 2011 - 07:28 PM, said:

Dianne, I believe in being EXTRA-polite in email, FB, and all other electronic formats because the receiver can't tell you're just kidding.

I feel sorry for your friend, that she has such a limited vocabulary with which to express herself. And truthfully, a "No thanks right now." would have taken less time to type, and been WAY less likely to inflict hurt. I think you're friend is kidding herself that "she's just that way" and therefore it's ok. It's never ok to be say things rudely.

Just my two cents.

Well said, Barbara - it's way to easy to type and hit that send button without thinking about what one has just written - that's why I always write drafts and think about what I'm writing in most instances before I hit that non-returnable send button - once done, there is no going back. Electronic formats have taken away some of our manners I do believe - and that's sad.

[Smiles]

This is an interesting challenge for you in how you will manage your self care.
I try to limit contact with people who spread negative energy. Most of the time it's their level of consciousness, and they aren't interested in growing or changing. She seems to be announcing that's where she is.
You've asked her for a favor. It doesn't give her the right to be rude. If she is the type of friend who goes way back, you've been through a lot together, and she's always there for you in spite of her rough exterior, that's one thing. But if you're the one always giving, well, maybe it's time to evaluate the friendship.

Don't buy into the "You're just too sensitive" garbage. There actually is a percentage of the population classified as highly sensitive. There are a lot of really good things that come along with it. But it calls for an extra degree of self care. Elaine Aron has written a couple of books on the subject. She has a very enlightening and helpful website, and her newsletter is called Comfort Zone. I learned about her from Cheryl Richardson's The Art of Extreme Self Care (which might be a good book to read in your quest to stand up for yourself. (she also wrote a book called Stand Up for Yourself)

Best of luck in your marketing endeavors!

[jorunswithscissors]

Dianne, I am sorry to hear your challenge with your friend! And I too can relate to your situation - not only with a friend but my own family sometimes too. It's hard not to feel the hurt. I think you have received lots of postive ways to handle your friend.

My two cents is that I think you should surely stand up for yourself and let your friend know that she sometimes comes off sounding rude. And let her know it when she does it. But I bet you will surely handle that in a very thoughtful and dignified way. And maybe if she is "called out" on it enough, that she might start monitoring herself a bit before she speaks to you.

Best to you Dianne! Hope things resolve quickly and easily for you!

jo~

[DiannaC]

Thank you, Gayle. I like those words, "self care." I will Definetly check out those books and websites. I have been trying not to be sensitive and take on other people's issues, but my Del care is important. Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

[mimes1]

I'm no pro because these things are always so difficult for me. I tend to fall in the sensitive category. But if I were to make a suggestion, it would be to ditch the text and talk face to face or on the phone. That way the facial expressions, body language and voice tones are clue to what is really going on

[Ro]

My Dad always said that people who swear are demonstrating that they don't have a good vocabulary.

I've known many people who excuse poor behavior just like this as "that's the way I am". One, in particular, uses that excuse all of the time with me after she says something atrocious. I've talked to her about it - and she has improved - but occasionally, she says something to me that is quite hurtful. Because of who this person is, it isn't really practical - or possible - for me to cut them out of my life and the truth is, this is who she is. I had to get to a place within myself that it doesn't bother me. I had to get to the place in which I could see the 99.5% good in her and let the .5% roll off my back.

It was a challenge and it has only been in this past year that I've been able to get a hold on it. It didn't help me that she constantly told me that I am too sensitive - right after she had let some zinger fly at me. But yay... I feel like I've done it. (I used a technique called EFT to do it.)

Now... if she was someone that I could dismiss, then I might have done that. Sometimes, you can. Sometimes, you can't - or don't want to.

I'm not sure that this answer helps, but anyway... know that I get it. I really get it. Sometimes, the thing to do is to move away from negative people or people who treat you poorly - look down on you and such. It's the healthy thing to do. But sometimes, you just gotta hang in there.

I say, do some praying about it and then go with your gut.

[jode2771]

Dianna, there is no excuse for rude behaviour even if it is "just her"... And she could have said "sorry, but that's just me"... Still dismissive but at least apologetic... I don't know how you can approach her as I tend to drift away from people who bring me down but just an insight... Quite often when people are mean or uncaring it stems from jealousy... Could it be she is jealous of your new venture or your excitement at starting something for yourself? Is she worried she will lose you to the business? Her anger was aimed at the business not you... Keep that in mind and see what you can find as an underlying cause... Good luck x

[Syndee]

I would talk to her in person or on the phone, it's so hard to know what people are really saying or thinking in an email or elsewhere online. Tell her how she made you feel,
and if she is still insensitive then maybe she isn't the kind of friend you need In your life. A true friend would most likely want to help you with your new business venture

[Sara Arell]

Ro, on 23 December 2011 - 12:08 AM, said:

My Dad always said that people who swear are demonstrating that they don't have a good vocabulary.

I've known many people who excuse poor behavior just like this as "that's the way I am". One, in particular, uses that excuse all of the time with me after she says something atrocious. I've talked to her about it - and she has improved - but occasionally, she says something to me that is quite hurtful. Because of who this person is, it isn't really practical - or possible - for me to cut them out of my life and the truth is, this is who she is. I had to get to a place within myself that it doesn't bother me. I had to get to the place in which I could see the 99.5% good in her and let the .5% roll off my back.

It was a challenge and it has only been in this past year that I've been able to get a hold on it. It didn't help me that she constantly told me that I am too sensitive - right after she had let some zinger fly at me. But yay... I feel like I've done it. (I used a technique called EFT to do it.)

Now... if she was someone that I could dismiss, then I might have done that. Sometimes, you can. Sometimes, you can't - or don't want to.

I'm not sure that this answer helps, but anyway... know that I get it. I really get it. Sometimes, the thing to do is to move away from negative people or people who treat you poorly - look down on you and such. It's the healthy thing to do. But sometimes, you just gotta hang in there.

I say, do some praying about it and then go with your gut.

VERY well put, Ro! I struggle with this all the time. I have a friend who thinks that making a certain gesture with his finger is funny - he even posts pictures of this on FB - it seems to be "his signature" - I find it insulting and crass and because he is who he is, I tell him that it's insulting and crass and ask him to please not do that when he's talking to me. He doesn't seem to be able to hold any conversation without doing it several times. I can't MAKE him stop - I like him otherwise - he is a young guy and he's single and I guess it IS just HIM! I think I've told him enough times now that he knows I find it crass and as as long as he knows how I feel I'm okay. He isn't a close friend so I don't have to make a decision to dismiss him but I run into him regularly and it just astounds me that his gesture IS his vocabularly. And of course, along with the gesture comes a "vocabulary" that's just not my cuppa tea too.

"Vocabulary" words that are crass seem to be a regular part of one's conversation these days - I don't use them myself so I do find it difficult with which to deal and it embarrases me at times. Being a military wife and a cop's wife, I've heard more of that "vocabulary" than I care to hear (not from my own dh but from fellow coworkers of his) and I've learned to just walk away from it. These are good people otherwise and I try so hard not to judge negatively - sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. But i like the way you've handled your situation. It makes you the bigger person and I think that's the solution to alot of things sometimes.

[DiannaC]

I think that I have decided to bring it up to her in person, after the holidays. She is a close friend who I really can't walk away from completely, but I think I'll just lay low, so to speak until I can talk calmly face to face, you are all right. I can't make her be less crass and harsh butbI think it's important that she realize how she affects people sometimes. But the Holidays are here and I prefer to think happy thoughts. Thank youbeveryone!!! I feel so much better about things today!!

[SodScrap]

Why do people have to be so mean?? I agree with others, it is so hard to tell "tone and attitude" with texts and/or e-mail. However, this is no excuse to be rude. She probably has a point, that people aren't thinking about senior pictures for next year yet during this holiday time, but she could have said "I'll be happy to after the holidays are over"...I would continue to "monitor" her behavior. Give her a call after the holidays just to chat to get a feel for her attitude and try to move forward from there.

I am sorry your are dealing with this! Hang in there! Good luck with your business venture.

[Sara Arell]

SodScrap, on 23 December 2011 - 07:43 AM, said:

Why do people have to be so mean?? I agree with others, it is so hard to tell "tone and attitude" with texts and/or e-mail. However, this is no excuse to be rude. She probably has a point, that people aren't thinking about senior pictures for next year yet during this holiday time, but she could have said "I'll be happy to after the holidays are over"...I would continue to "monitor" her behavior. Give her a call after the holidays just to chat to get a feel for her attitude and try to move forward from there.

I am sorry your are dealing with this! Hang in there! Good luck with your business venture.

"Tone" is something that bugs me everyday, Conda - here, with emails, etc - I am always soooo afraid that someone isn't going to hear my "joking tone" or "loving tone" and take what I say wrong - that's the one thing I do not like about email and stuff - it's very hard to get tone across - I find myself constantly saying j/k or said with love or something like that. I wonder if there is a fix for this - how can we write and get tone across? I'd love to figure that one out just for general every day stuff.

[DiannaC]

"

Quote

"Tone" is something that bugs me everyday, Conda - here, with emails, etc - I am always soooo afraid that someone isn't going to hear my "joking tone" or "loving tone" and take what I say wrong - that's the one thing I do not like about email and stuff - it's very hard to get tone across - I find myself constantly saying j/k or said with love or something like that. I wonder if there is a fix for this - how can we write and get tone across? I'd love to figure that one out just for general every day stuff.

Oh I agree with you about tone, Sara. It is difficult. Which is why I try not to jump to the wrong conclusion when I read something. I would have let this particular instance go, but it seems this particular person has been very snappy with me even in person. I will talk to her about the two instances that come to mind after the holidays and see what she has to say. I know she will speak her mind if there is something about me that is bothering her. The fact that in both instances (the day after the party and in this case the text) her response to my hurt was "It's just me." Yes, it is just her but her response in both cases seemed to dismiss my feelings. Even a "Sorry I didn't mean to offend, you know I can be like that sometimes." would have at least acknowledged my feelings. It was that dismissiveness that offended me. There is a point where "that's just me" doesn't cut it any more. Yes, that's just you, but I'm sensitive, that's me. So try to be gentler please and I will try to not take what you say so personally.

And don't worry Sara - I know what a big heart you have and I never think anything you say is not in a joking or loving manner!

Ro, what is EFT?

[Sara Arell]

DiannaC, on 23 December 2011 - 08:40 AM, said:

"

Quote

"Tone" is something that bugs me everyday, Conda - here, with emails, etc - I am always soooo afraid that someone isn't going to hear my "joking tone" or "loving tone" and take what I say wrong - that's the one thing I do not like about email and stuff - it's very hard to get tone across - I find myself constantly saying j/k or said with love or something like that. I wonder if there is a fix for this - how can we write and get tone across? I'd love to figure that one out just for general every day stuff.

Oh I agree with you about tone, Sara. It is difficult. Which is why I try not to jump to the wrong conclusion when I read something. I would have let this particular instance go, but it seems this particular person has been very snappy with me even in person. I will talk to her about the two instances that come to mind after the holidays and see what she has to say. I know she will speak her mind if there is something about me that is bothering her. The fact that in both instances (the day after the party and in this case the text) her response to my hurt was "It's just me." Yes, it is just her but her response in both cases seemed to dismiss my feelings. Even a "Sorry I didn't mean to offend, you know I can be like that sometimes." would have at least acknowledged my feelings. It was that dismissiveness that offended me. There is a point where "that's just me" doesn't cut it any more. Yes, that's just you, but I'm sensitive, that's me. So try to be gentler please and I will try to not take what you say so personally.

And don't worry Sara - I know what a big heart you have and I never think anything you say is not in a joking or loving manner!

Ro, what is EFT?

Dianna, thank you, sweetie - and you know what? You are going to come out on top of all of this as the bigger person! Sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do to keep the peace and while it may not be how we truly feel, it's sometimes just the right thing to do. My Mom used to tell me when my feelings got hurt or something and I wanted so badly to come back with something equally as destructive as what someone had said to me that "silence was the best revenge" - that was a hard pill to swallow and equally as hard to do but she was right. Sometimes we just have to turn and walk away - and while I know we are not talking about actual "revenge" here, I think Mama's thought applies well to things like this too. Sometimes silence speaks volumes - I find myself applying that often when a friend wants to "gossip" and I don't really want to be a part of it - I don't know how to be rude - honest, I don't - but I do find it easy to just stand there, listen, and not say a word in response - to me, it says alot (not saying anything) Occasionally I have found the intestinal fortitude to respond with, " I really don't want to hear it" - but it isn't easy for me to do that sometimes - it is easy for me to just keep my big mouth shut though - lol......the older I get, the more I learn about myself.

You're going to be fine, girlfriend - just fine!

[DiannaC]

Quote

Dianna, thank you, sweetie - and you know what? You are going to come out on top of all of this as the bigger person! Sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do to keep the peace and while it may not be how we truly feel, it's sometimes just the right thing to do. My Mom used to tell me when my feelings got hurt or something and I wanted so badly to come back with something equally as destructive as what someone had said to me that "silence was the best revenge" - that was a hard pill to swallow and equally as hard to do but she was right. Sometimes we just have to turn and walk away - and while I know we are not talking about actual "revenge" here, I think Mama's thought applies well to things like this too. Sometimes silence speaks volumes - I find myself applying that often when a friend wants to "gossip" and I don't really want to be a part of it - I don't know how to be rude - honest, I don't - but I do find it easy to just stand there, listen, and not say a word in response - to me, it says alot (not saying anything) Occasionally I have found the intestinal fortitude to respond with, " I really don't want to hear it" - but it isn't easy for me to do that sometimes - it is easy for me to just keep my big mouth shut though - lol......the older I get, the more I learn about myself.

You're going to be fine, girlfriend - just fine!

Excellent advice! Well said. Your Mama sounds very wise!

[bitzee]

Dianna, you’ve had some excellent advice here. I agree that “that’s just me!!” is not at all acceptable. To me this indicates a person who is not even going to try to change. When you hurt someone’s feelings, especially of a friend or loved one, you need to give a heartfelt apology and sincerely try to do better. I feel that speaking with her is absolutely necessary. It is no excuse, but she may be struggling with some problem of her own that she is taking out on you. A good talk might help you both. You can’t begin to expect positive change if you don’t at least let her know how you feel. I am guilty of being sensitive, too. Instead of confronting the offending person, I often go into my shell. The hurt festers and nothing good gets accomplished. I wish you the best of luck with your friend and with your business venture. Kathy

[DiannaC]

Quote

When you hurt someone’s feelings, especially of a friend or loved one, you need to give a heartfelt apology and sincerely try to do better.

I agree 100%, Kathy!

[LaLo1103]

You really have received some good advice! I agree that I would be offended by her message. Not so much by the language she chose, but because its belittling. Like what you're trying to do is not important and therefore, unworthy of her attention. I think Jode also hit on one of my thoughts - that she may be jealous. You're following your dream. She may not want you to succeed since she isn't following her own dreams. You know, a misery loves company kind of thing.

I think what you need to decide is whether or not you really want this person as your friend. Keeping the peace is nice, but if something is bothering you it will continue to fester. If you want her friendship, then I'd do what the others said and have a conversation. If she really cares about you, I think she'd give you a more genuine apology once she knows you were bothered by her comment. Real friendships aren't always easy. Sometimes we have to get through unpleasantness but in the end its worth it.

If you decide her friendship is not that important to you, then I'd just let things go. Leave it all on good terms, but you'll know that she's not someone you will ever turn to help for again.

Either one is an acceptable option. You just have to decide which one works for you.

Let us know when you have an update!

[Smiles]

EFT is a type of therapy. It stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It is used for PTSD, among other things. I have a friend who has been helped a great deal by it, and Ro has said she has also. It's still regarded as a little out there by some in the traditional medical community, but that can be said of many, many treatment modalities that provide great results for some (a higher percentage than would be accounted for by the placebo effect).