[heather_dw]

As the title says, I'm crazy again. Right before Thanksgiving I had this sort of "epiphany" where babies/people having them/my newborn niece, etc didn't bother me as much. I could detach my feelings from it and it was pretty darn great. It seems to be wearing thin. I don't want to go back to how it was before, but a few things have happened. First, I was "late" and just when I started to get used to the idea that "this may be the time that it sticks", "it" showed up. It really sent me into a 2 day "blah" and now, not only do I have a pregnant friend on facebook, but another friend from high school is on there talking about how she's getting induced on the 27th and I didn't even know she was pregnant!

Now I'm upset and sad. My chest is all clenching up. I'm almost 35 and still no closer and once I hit 35, I'll be considered "advanced maternal age". I'm supposed to crop with a friend on Saturday but I really just want to hermit myself away. I know I can't do that, so I'll have to force myself to do it.

Blah. I needed to vent

[Belle]

Heather, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how you must feel. Just remember, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Go well my friend.

[heather_dw]

The worst part is that I didn't even KNOW the one friend was pregnant. She put it up on FB that she'd be having a c-section on the 27th. When I commented, she proceeded to send me a private message telling me all about how she had a 4 month old, but tried for another and it took her TWO WEEKS. That made me cry and didn't help.

This is just not gonna happen for hubby and I. It's too late. I mean, so what if I can crochet and knit and scrapbook when I can't do the one thing I want to do most? blah

[princessrunningfingers]

Heather, I sort of know how you feel, because one of my granddaughters is going through this. She has had the tests, and they told her her only chance was in vitro, which they cannot afford. Her DH is in the Army, and the Army will not pay for it. They had told her they would do surgery, but now they say no, it would be useless for her to go through it. She has a stepdaughter, which helps when she is with them, but she wanted a baby so badly. I'm telling you this because sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one. I pray every day for a miracle for her, and will add you to that prayer.

[diannecp]

So sorry, Heather. It doesn't make it any easier hearing things that way. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

[kimmybutton]

Heather, I'm thankful that you are able to freely share your disappointments, struggles and hopes here. Please know that I continue to pray for that miracle. p.s. btw ... I'm one of those miracles .. I'm an only child born to 30-something parents when there was no hope given. (hugs) and keep believing

[SodScrap]

I'm sorry you are struggling Heather. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Sara Arell]

Heather, I'm so sorry that you are having to struggle so with all of this, sweetie. Just know that we are all here for you - I'm glad that you are comfortable sharing your feelings here with us. Sending you prayers and many hugs.

[elibar]

Wrapping you up in prayer, Heather. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

[CRS]

I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough to vent to us! I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Maybe forcing yourself to go to the crop will help. Scrapbooking is very theraputic to me, maybe it will be for you, too!

[AggieB]

Vent away, Heather. I'm sorry you are hurting like this, I hope this site can offer some support. Hugs!

[LaLo1103]

Heather, I am so sorry. I still wish there were some great words we could say. its okay to vent here. Its important to let it all out as much as possible. Feel free to unload as much as you need to! We're here to listen and I'll continue to pray for you.

[Smiles]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling again. Asking for extra angels to help you through this.

[Smoky]

Heather, I can totally relate to this, but obsessing about it may only work against you. Stress can really mess up your system. A friend of mine had tried for many, many years to get pregnant, and finally gave up on the idea. She got pregnant after adopting triplets! And had another baby after that one. I've known quite a few people with similar stories.

It's easy to get caught up in thinking this is the month, and googling all your symptoms to see if other women had this or that and turned out to be pregnant. Probably not a good idea, but I'm as guilty as anyone of this. Do you have a good fertility doctor? If you and your husband have not yet had medical work-ups, now is the time. If you've got PCOS or other problems, seek help. You previously mentioned past miscarriages. D&C's can cause scar tissue that can also effect your fertility. But you're only 34, and as you said, your high school friends are still having babies. Unless your mother and grandmother went through early menopause, you should have time left. Lots of first time mothers in their 40's, you know. Stay positive, take care of yourself. Remember stress=bad for you, okay?

Hugs and baby dust to you.

[heather_dw]

I was doing really well since before thanksgiving but I'm going all weird again. I've been to a fertility doctor and he said I was remarkable in that I was unremarkable. He thinks it's a DNA combination issue, but without a 3,000 DNA karotyping (that my insurance won't cover and I can't afford), he can't say for certain. I've had the blood tests to see if I have a decent quantity of eggs that all came back fine. I'm structurally good as well, except that I only have one ovary and tube left.

This is the message in question. Note that she knows my issues and my history. Hubby thinks she's trying to upset me on purpose given that I really didn't ask her about anything, just told her congrats when she said she was having the kid on the 27th. I could be overly sensitive, but I was also close friends with this girl in High School and I know how she works. She was one of those people that always fell in love with your boyfriend AFTER you started dating them. Heck, she even wanted my husband when we were dating. She even spread rumors around our work that they were having sex in the car on the way to work. This was so many years ago, that I thought I'd forgive and be nice. That seems to have backfired on me.



" I told Josh I couldn't stand Rowan missing out on a sibling, and that they would probably have to be close due to my age. We were shocked to say the very least when I got pregnant in the first two weeks, the doctor told use it would probably take a couple months due to Rowan being 4 1/2 months, my cycle...etc. I think I haven't really said too much because of the shock and hating myself for feeling that way because I know what a HUGE blessing it really is to be so fortunate. Lord, that makes me sound like I'm fifty years old or something..."

As hubby pointed out, it can't take two weeks, it would take a cycle at earliest and a cycle is usually around a month. Plus, most docs will tell you it will take an average of 6 months. Hey, her doctor could have told her that though. shrug*

[Smiles]

She sounds like negative energy for you - hope you can chalk it up to where she is in consciousness.
Sounds like you took the high road in sending congrats - good for you.
I think avoiding her would be good for your mental health. Forgiving for past wrongs is one thing, opening yourself to new ones is another.
Hang in there!

[Smoky]

It sounds like your "friend" hasn't been much of one through the years. I don't really understand the two weeks thing, although it sounds like she isn't breast-feeding if she was trying to get pregnant when her baby was only 4 1/2 months. Usually when pregnancy happens again that soon after birth, it's a shock! Only you would know if she was rubbing it in. If that's the case, life is too short to waste unnecessary energy on toxic people.

Wow, $3000 is way higher than I was quoted for karotyping. What about immunity tests? As far as getting pregnant again, has your husband had an analysis? There are even kits to DIY at home. And there are certain foods that are thought to help on the guy's side of things - oatmeal, pumpkin seeds, blueberries, salmon, etc. So when your husband says, "Oatmeal for supper again?", you can say "Yep, and here's some pumpkin seeds to snack on while it's cooking." Hope you feel better soon and try not to stress.

[heather_dw]

I can get pregnant, I just can't carry. They quoted me 1,500 for each of us and there's no point in doing one of us without the other.

[Smoky]

heather_dw, on 21 January 2012 - 01:01 AM, said:

I can get pregnant, I just can't carry. They quoted me 1,500 for each of us and there's no point in doing one of us without the other.

I have the same problem, but my doctor recommended against the karyotyping for now as he feels the odds of it being helpful to my situation are slim. Sometimes recurrent miscarriages are just a mystery. I almost didn't survive the last one, so I hope to not have any more like that! Next time will take for both of us, I'm sure of it. Baby dust for both of us.

[heather_dw]

Thanks~

I saw my OBGYN at the crop I was at today (she's the one that invited me the first time, and now I go every month!) and i asked her about having HER order it instead of the fertility guy to see if that was cheaper and she said she wasn't sure and to have me call the office Monday and talk to their testing people. She seemed to think 1,500 a piece was a bit high too. She said she was thinking more around 1,000 a piece. She also said something about how she'd personally get IVF over karotyping but then she added that "getting pregnant isn't your problem"

Ugh, frustrating. I made 12 "new baby cards" today because I had none in my stash. By the 12th card I was getting down, but I'm "okay" at the moment. Kinda "meh/in the middle". I also made two pagers for my paper scrapbook (I know, paper, crazy! LOL)

Also, thanks to whomever got me the little gift. I bought a few templates with it and will have lots of fun with those. I love templates.

[luckyladybug]

Oh, Heather, you sure are going through a tough time. I'm so sorry. Sometimes people say stupid and insensitive things, for whole bunches of reasons. I'm sorry your "friend" triggered more emotional turmoil.

As unimaginably difficult as it is, you may want to try to get back to that place of balance. Stress is your enemy here. The stress hormone cortisol does all kinds of things to the way your body and your brain work, from memory to metabolism to sleep to fertility and beyond. My advise is to find whatever works for you to keep the cortisol in check--laughing, smiling, listening to music, talking to friends, posting in the forum, scrapping, crotcheting, whatever. Just find that happy place, and try to be there with intention, even if it is just one moment at a time.

It might not make a baby happen, but it will make you happier.

Bless your heart. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now and rub your shoulders and help you breath. I'm sending all the hugs and prayers and friend support that I have, dear.

enJOY, sweet spirit!

[heather_dw]

Thank you! I'm feeling a *little* better today. Hubby says we're going to try harder this month, so I'm crossing my fingers.

[Cheri T]

I agree with Gayle: "I think avoiding her would be good for your mental health. Forgiving for past wrongs is one thing, opening yourself to new ones is another." The "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.
I have one more question, which you can think about, but don't need to answer here - are either you or DH taking ANY medications? If so, have the doctors really dig into info on whether that could affect a pregnancy. Those things usually affect ability to conceive, which I know you are able to do, but perhaps could contribute to miscarriages too.

*big hugs* I pray things work out for you, and my heart breaks that you are hurting so much.

[tinkerbell11]

Heather I am sorry you are having a difficult time, I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Stay positive thru it all if you can.

[heather_dw]

They have me on prenatals, a bP med, Lexapro (for anxiety disorder) and Metformin (for cycle/lady business). They increased the metformin after the last miscarriage and it seems to have shortened my cycles, which my obgyn says is "good"

[heather_dw]

I'm officially 35 now. I am having mixed feelings about that. Hubby claims he's going to make me a cake. Should be interesting to see how much mess is made for me to clean up and if the cake comes out right. lol

[Sara Arell]

heather_dw, on 24 January 2012 - 03:41 PM, said:

I'm officially 35 now. I am having mixed feelings about that. Hubby claims he's going to make me a cake. Should be interesting to see how much mess is made for me to clean up and if the cake comes out right. lol

Happy Birthday, Heather! And remember, it's the thought that counts when it comes to the birthday cake! Takes a special guy to make his wife a birthday cake! You are blessed! Enjoy your day!