alsoarty Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???? These are from a book called"Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment ... of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place: ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _______________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, and practicing law.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teecee Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 :rofl: I love these, Andrea - thanks for sharing! My favorite is the last one... love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrannieEv Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 cracks me up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
englishrose Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 So funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Love this.. So funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorac Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 :rofl: Well, attorney's aren't the brightest bulbs in the pack. Thanks for the morning laugh, I needed it. Even my kitties loved it. :clapping_kitty: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitzee Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 These are so funny! As I was reading them, I kept hearing comedian Bill Engvall’s voice saying, “Here’s your sign!” Thanks for the laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie-Christine Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I so enjoyed reading these... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teecee Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 These are so funny! As I was reading them, I kept hearing comedian Bill Engvall’s voice saying, “Here’s your sign!” Thanks for the laugh. LOL - I love Bill Engvall's "Here's Your Sign" jokes. Have you read the book? It's hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zebidee75 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Hilarious, thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahBat Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Oh boy. I needed a good laugh. Thanks, Andrea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alsoarty Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 These are so funny! As I was reading them, I kept hearing comedian Bill Engvall’s voice saying, “Here’s your sign!” Thanks for the laugh. I did too. Love Bill Engvall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapgran Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 So funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitzee Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 These are so funny! As I was reading them, I kept hearing comedian Bill Engvall’s voice saying, “Here’s your sign!” Thanks for the laugh. LOL - I love Bill Engvall's "Here's Your Sign" jokes. Have you read the book? It's hilarious! I haven't read his book, but I saw him in person a few months ago. His new stuff is just as funny as the old favorites. I like that he keeps it clean and funny. Will have to try the book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ValerieT Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 What a fun way to start the week, thank Andrea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhbren Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Oh, how funny - hysterical! If I ever need a lawyer perhaps I should use some of these questions to determine his/her intelligence before either hiring or granting the Darwin award to the candidate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ande43 Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 OH MY GOSH!!!!!! I have tears I'm laughing so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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