Jump to content


A Joke! A Joke! A Prize For A Great Joke


  • Please log in to reply
50 replies to this topic

#1 Ro

Ro
  • Guests

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:08 PM

I like 'em clean and funny.

let's hear it. I'll pony up some free paper from the Boutique to the one that makes me laugh the hardest

#2 Betsy

Betsy

    Scrap Girl Messageboard Wise One

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,600 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Westchester County, NY

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:18 PM

Oh the pressure! I can't think of a JOKE!
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image

#3 Wxchic

Wxchic

    Fit and Fabulous!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,440 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Minnesota

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:22 PM

This one comes from being a meteorologist...

A movie crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old
Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the
director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a
thunderstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. "We need to hire this guy!" But the next day, the Indian didn't show.

Finally the director sent the crew looking for him. After they found hime he asked, "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken."

Theresa

"Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

#4 Wxchic

Wxchic

    Fit and Fabulous!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,440 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Minnesota

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:28 PM

This one comes from my husband, the cow rancher...

Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true!" exclaims Daisy. "No bull!"

Theresa

"Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

#5 tj's aunt

tj's aunt

    New Scrapper on the Block

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 4 posts

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:30 PM

knock knock
who's there?
Arch
Arch who?
Are you catching a cold?
I know a little corny, but it's the only one I could think of

#6 jlf_loves_mjf

jlf_loves_mjf

    Scrap Girl Scrapper Devotee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,715 posts
  • Location:Cincinnati, OH USA

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:31 PM

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers


1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

#7 Wxchic

Wxchic

    Fit and Fabulous!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,440 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Minnesota

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:31 PM

OK...here is a GREAT ONE!
The weather forecast for Lakeville, Minnesohhhhhta for the next 36 hours...

Tonight: Periods of snow, mainly after midnight. Low near 25. East wind around 17 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 2 to 4 inches possible.

Friday: Periods of snow. The snow could be heavy at times. Some thunder is also possible. High around 33. East northeast wind around 17 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New snow accumulation of 7 to 11 inches possible.

Friday Night: Periods of snow, mainly before midnight. Low around 20. North northeast wind between 14 and 17 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible.

This is NO joke...
:blinking-in-scarf:

Theresa

"Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

#8 Wxchic

Wxchic

    Fit and Fabulous!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,440 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Minnesota

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:33 PM

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers 


1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names.  "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.  For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes.  Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.  When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer.  Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk.  Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom.  When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


ROTFLOL!!!!

Theresa

"Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

#9 Ro

Ro
  • Guests

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:38 PM

Jennifer,

That was is HYSTERICAL!

So you must have worked with me at Novell, right? Tell the truth. You were there.

Which cubicle did you sit in????

This one is going to be hard to top.

Ro

#10 jlf_loves_mjf

jlf_loves_mjf

    Scrap Girl Scrapper Devotee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,715 posts
  • Location:Cincinnati, OH USA

Posted 17 March 2005 - 09:46 PM

No, Ro. Not at Novell. Cube life is pretty much the same everywhere! :)

#11 scrapmum

scrapmum
  • Guests

Posted 17 March 2005 - 10:07 PM

here is one I've been saving in my inbox
for all those people who periodically curse Mr Gates


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics":

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

:disappearing-smilie:
DebF

#12 Ro

Ro
  • Guests

Posted 17 March 2005 - 10:25 PM

You guys are going to make this one hard to decide.

I'm hooting here!

Ro

#13 sdteacher

sdteacher

    New Scrapper on the Block

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 9 posts

Posted 17 March 2005 - 10:26 PM

I like 'em clean and funny.

let's hear it. I'll pony up some free paper from the Boutique to the one that makes me laugh the hardest

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,

"Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo ***.
Someone has stolen tent."

#14 Ro

Ro
  • Guests

Posted 17 March 2005 - 11:03 PM

okay - you guys are all cracking me up

it's getting harder and harder

#15 scrapprincess

scrapprincess
  • Guests

Posted 18 March 2005 - 12:08 AM

You might be a redneck if. . .

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "

You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "The Holidays."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Okay there is my joke!

#16 brandiev

brandiev

    Scrap Girl Messageboard Wise One

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,773 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Nevada

Posted 18 March 2005 - 12:21 AM

A simple one in honor of Easter (but I am not competing for the prize, just sharing!):

Q.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A.
U-nique (you sneak) up on it

Not hilarious, but preschoolers like it!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

#17 scrapprincess

scrapprincess
  • Guests

Posted 18 March 2005 - 12:50 AM

Hey ro who won the prize
Mary Beth

#18 schmi

schmi
  • Guests

Posted 18 March 2005 - 09:14 AM

This one came from my sons little magazine, but I really like it.


What did the cat say on the cell phone?


Can you hear meow?


It may not be the best but i still like it, schmi :dancingcow:

#19 Ro

Ro
  • Guests

Posted 18 March 2005 - 03:37 PM

Scrapmum! I just couldn't resist the computer thing... Too true... too true.

#20 randwood

randwood
  • Guests

Posted 18 March 2005 - 09:29 PM

Two Irishmen were leaving a bar.....

HUH?????

What? It could happen.

#21 quiltress

quiltress
  • Guests

Posted 19 March 2005 - 01:00 AM

I think this would fall in the line of "clean"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examinging room. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

#22 brandiev

brandiev

    Scrap Girl Messageboard Wise One

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,773 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Nevada

Posted 19 March 2005 - 01:17 AM

here is one I've been saving in my inbox
for all those people who periodically curse Mr Gates

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Deb! Your joke is so FUNNY!

#23 brandiev

brandiev

    Scrap Girl Messageboard Wise One

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,773 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Nevada

Posted 19 March 2005 - 01:19 AM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examinging room.  The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


LOL! Another good one!

#24 brandiev

brandiev

    Scrap Girl Messageboard Wise One

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,773 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Nevada

Posted 19 March 2005 - 01:31 AM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


That was VERY funny! I even read it to hubby!

#25 Shai

Shai

    Hot Scrapper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 827 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:East Anglia, Norfolk, England

Posted 01 April 2005 - 10:33 AM

Ok, there's two tomatoes walking down the road ... Papa Tom and Tom Jr. ... Jr., being half the size of his Papa, keeps falling behind! Their already on a tight schedule, so Papa Tom says "Hurry up, Jr!"
Well, their gaining distance when Jr. starts to fall behind ... again! Papa Tom is getting pretty annoyec and says," Ketchup!"

Har har har ::hiding:: I was in 3rd grade at bible camp when I learned that one! heheh
Posted Image

Posted Image

ShaiShai Gone Digital

Posted Image

<embed src="http://www.cheer.com...eName=ShaiShai" width="306" height="112"name="truebombshell" align="middle" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed>

#26 Shai

Shai

    Hot Scrapper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 827 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:East Anglia, Norfolk, England

Posted 01 April 2005 - 10:35 AM

Two Irishmen were leaving a bar.....

      HUH?????

      What? It could happen.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



Ok, the time I was in Dublin ... I never saw an Irishman leave a pub LoL I was there for one day hehehe
Posted Image

Posted Image

ShaiShai Gone Digital

Posted Image

<embed src="http://www.cheer.com...eName=ShaiShai" width="306" height="112"name="truebombshell" align="middle" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed>

#27 Shai

Shai

    Hot Scrapper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 827 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:East Anglia, Norfolk, England

Posted 01 April 2005 - 10:38 AM

ok, ok, ok ...

A slug is riding on the back of a turtle and shouts

"Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, we're flyin' now!"

Now this is the funniest giggle! I know it's bad lol But anytime/everytime Mike tells me this joke, I crack up. I could be crying/sobbing/gut wrenching pain ... it still makes me laugh!

Then, maybe it was funny because he told me in the middle of the redwood forest near Eureka. We saw this HUGE HUGE HUGE slug!

:)
Posted Image

Posted Image

ShaiShai Gone Digital

Posted Image

<embed src="http://www.cheer.com...eName=ShaiShai" width="306" height="112"name="truebombshell" align="middle" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed>

#28 ScrappingForever

ScrappingForever

    Scrap Girl Messageboard Wise One

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,352 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Maryland

Posted 01 April 2005 - 05:22 PM

EWWWWWW Shai!!!! But it is a cute joke! Love all these cute ones!

And I love the breastfeeding one! Too funny!

Thanks for the funnies ladies!
Jan

#29 darklighter

darklighter

    Scrapper Friend

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 682 posts
  • Location:Fremont, CA

Posted 07 April 2005 - 06:59 PM

Hi Ro,

I worked at Novell for years, in the CA offices! What a small world!

Jennifer,

That was is HYSTERICAL!

So you must have worked with me at Novell, right? Tell the truth. You were there.

Which cubicle did you sit in????

This one is going to be hard to top.

Ro

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



#30 momentousangel

momentousangel

    Hope You Have A Happy Scrappy Day!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,788 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Kelso, Washington

Posted 22 April 2005 - 07:15 AM

Okay, here's one of my favorites. It's 10 Words that really should exist but don't.
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt' v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay' n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Posted Image

To have a friend is to have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold and an extra pair of legs when yours are too weak to stand alone...

I have been living buried in books and writing classes... as an added note I must say that it is rather scary when you start dreaming and all you can see within your dreams is words floating everywhere!

Posted Image
Valerie Lynn Harrell is the published author of a book of poetry, titled "A Little Girl Lost... Was Found Through Her Writing"




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users