A Joke! A Joke! A Prize For A Great Joke

[Guest DebF]

ok
me again
something from my inbox I had to keep
as someone who is gonna be FORTY next birthday, these are funny

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

DebF

[momentousangel]

I couldn't believe it when I saw on the television that Bill Gates was knighted. What I couldn't believe even more is the fact that I could take a rock and break lots of windows, but I would go to jail and I wouldn't get knighted, LOL, That was the first thing that came to mind when I saw on television that he was being knighted. Don't get me wrong I love Bill Gates and I love all my windows, 95 98 ME XP, LOL, but I just had to share my first thought when I saw that on the television.

[Guest mariegoodwyn]

It's not exactly a joke but it's smart and funny - the combination that I like the most so I thought I'd share it!

THE HOLE IN THE SUM OF MY PARTS Matt Harvey

Part of me is punctual - it turns up right on time
Part of me is functional - though slightly past its prime
Part of me is criminal - it's quite against the law
Part of me's subliminal - and kind of either/or
Part of me is lowly - it lows just like a cow
Part of me is holy - at least holier-than-thou
Part of me is actual - ly more solid than it seems
And part of me is factual
But most of me is dreams

Part of me is truculent: don't look that way at me
Part of me is succulent - suck it and you'll see
Part of me's detestable - or so people have said
And part of me's suggestible - or so people have said
Part of me's competitive - it only wants to win
And part of me's repetitive - or so people have said
Part of me's interminable - it goes on and on and on
And on and on and on and on and on and on (and on)
This part of me's prolific - it writes reams and reams and reams
And part of me's terrific
But most of me is dreams

Parts of me are distant - and yet can seem so near
Parts of me are whispers - which the other parts can't hear
Parts of me are broken - and tremble to the touch
And these parts can be spoken - but I don't speak them much
Part of me is pensive. - I think. But I don't know.
Part of me's defensive .......... so?
Part of me's celestial - it gleams and beams and gleams
And part of me is bestial (grrrrrr)
But most of me is dreams

Part of me is tiny - but not the part you think
Part of me is shiny - and a pleasing shade of pink
Part of me is laudable - it's for a worthy cause
And part of me's inaudible - (like imaginary gorse*)
Part of me is hairy - to be honest not a lot !
Part of me's contrary - No it's not
Part of me's co-operative - it plays so well in teams
And part of me's inoperative
But most of me is dreams

Parts of me are latent - lurking dormant underneath
Parts of me are blatant - for some reason they're called Keith
Parts of me have stamina - because I do Chi Gung
And part of me's my anima - according to the psychology
of Carl Gustav Jung
Part of me is piddling - yet full of cosmic yearning
And part of me is fiddling - while the rest of me is burning
Part of me is fluent - it flows as sure as streams
While part of me plays truant
But most of me is dreams

Enjoy,

Marie

[Guest Jadedolphin]

Son to his father:
"Dad, a Ferrari, is that a red car with a horse?"

"Yes son, why?"

"I think a Ferrari is just about to overtake us on our right-hand side......."

[Guest Jadedolphin]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance,
is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon..
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon..ees no meerage,ees a bacon tree"
And with that...Luis races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but,true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.
"Pepe...go back, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....



Ees ..


Ees...





"Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Guest Jadedolphin]

RED SKELTON's TIPS FOR A LONGLASTING MARRIAGE!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our annniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it....this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word...just clean and simple fun

[Guest DebF]

LMAO @ the skelton quips
so clever
thanks for posting that!

[Guest MrsDiesel]

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself. "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

I just love this one!

[Guest MrsDiesel]

When I got home last night, my wife wanted me to
take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a gas station!!

[Guest MrsDiesel]

Woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery." The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the *** out"

[varanda]

Love that one, MrsDiesel!!!!!

[Guest MrsDiesel]

Thanks! I've got some good ones up my sleeve still!

[Wxchic]

[quote name='MrsDiesel' date='Apr 28 2005, 09:30 AM']Woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery." The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the *** out"

     
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((((ROTFLOL!!!))))

That is GREAT!!!!!

[Guest Vania16]

Okay, I'm a lawyer so I hear all the lawyer jokes, I get a little sick of it from time to time, but I love this one . .

An old man was on his death bed and called his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. He asked for one to sit on each side of his bed. He told them, "I know that I am about to die and I feel it is important for you both to be here." The doctor and the lawyer looked at each other, wondering why the old man had chosen them to witness his last moments. Finally the doctor said to the old man, "I am so honored that you would ask me to share your last moments, but I don't understand, why not a family member or friend? Why the two of us?" The old man answered, "Our Lord died with a thief on his right and on his left, I thought I should do the same!"

[Guest Jadedolphin]

The alleged top 10 winners in an International Pun contest!

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one Carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says:
"Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan.
" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him

...(Oh, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!

[Guest horwiek]

A maroc, a German and a dutch are caught in Saudi Arabia for drinking beer.
The sultan of Saudi Arabia has to settle punishment.
First the Maroc. He has to get 200 whips with a stick but he has 1 wish to grant. Please, the Maroc says, give me a pillow on my back. His wish is granted and after 50 whips, the pillow is totally teared apart.
The German sees this and says give me 2 pillows on my back.
This time it takes 100 whips before both pillows are gone.
The Sultan who is a great fan of the Dutch Soccerplayers, says to the Dutch that he has 2 wishes to grant. What are your wishes he says.
First, the Dutch says, I want not 200 but 100 whippings.
Second, the Dutch says, I would like the German instead of a Pillow on my back.

[Guest horwiek]

I'm sorry if I offend any Germans out here, but it is just a joke. I have German family myself.
greetings,
Petra
The Netherlands

[momentousangel]

Okay, here's one that I just found in my e-mail, I can't help but to share it here, LOLOLOL.

Prison vs. Housework
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

[heisiam]

This one is kinda like that snail joke....I don't know why it makes me laugh every singel time....but I do

What's invisiable and smells like carrots?


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Bunny farts!

[momentousangel]

I thought this one was kind of funny. So just had to share it too. This osunds like something an old friend of mine would do, lol.

The ?Creative Way? Of getting out of a Speeding Ticket
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a Senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the fool told you I was speeding, too.

[Guest TamiW]